Do you get the title? It’s supposed to be history but I’m a female so it’s herstory. Whatever I thought it was funny. Yesterday, I woke up fine. Ok, not fine because the kids insisted on sleeping in the bed with me and my daughter sleeps like a wild banshee so I was nearly pushed off of the bed and only slept for like 4 hours, but my STOMACH was fine. I woke up unbloated, not gassy, and I ate breakfast. Lunchtime came around and it was a different story. My skirt that had hella space earlier in the day was extremely tight around my waist and my stomach was hurting. Here we go again…

People don’t talk about their gastrointestinal tract. Ever. We talk about getting colonics and drinking smoothies and herbal teas that are good for our insides, but that’s about it. We don’t actually talk about our system, our poop, and what’s healthy and unhealthy. I know my system is unhealthy- not because I don’t make the effort to be healthy. I eat my fruits and veggies, I’m mindful about eating beef and pork, I work out. I take vitamins. But my system just has a mind of its own. I can go days (sometimes even a week) without moving a bowel. When I was pregnant, I was a bit more regular, but still inconsistent. And it causes major issues for me. I am always bloated, gassy, uncomfortable, and when I poop it’s either bloody or it hurts. I have to drink something to help make my body go to the bathroom. I tried a few different products, but they were super harsh on me and made me cry when I was going. That’s a no-no for me. Lol. I talked to my mother about it, and she told me to try this tea called Ballerina Tea.

This tea has been a miracle worker for me. I go easily- no harsh reaction, no pain, no tears. Lol. I just go. Please be mindful that the first day or 2 after you take it, you’ll get rid of everything that’s been back up inside of your GI tract. Let me say it plainly- you’ll be running to the bathroom. I hope you run fast and the bathroom isn’t far. Lol! I’ve almost had an accident once or twice. And DO NOT TRUST ANY FARTS! Please! If you need to fart- RUN! Just to be on the safe side.

I didn’t know that our poop tells a story about our bodies and what we eat.

What even triggered all of this? My daughter pooped yesterday and asked me what color was her poop supposed to be because it was greenish-brown. So we talked about it, looked it up (your poop should be brown) and determined that her poop was normal for her age (because we eat lots of greens at home). But mine isn’t. Mine was green and foul-smelling (which can be indicative of malnutrition, dehydration, and not getting enough fiber in my diet). Check, check, and check. Had you asked me before, I wouldn’t even have thought twice about it. But the color, consistency, and smell of your poop really tells a story about your health. And because I’m more conscious about my health, I am conscious about my poop now.

Remember I was gassy yesterday so I drank the tea? I pooped this morning and felt as light as a feather. A friend of mine texted me “good morning, wyd?” while I was going, and I said “pooping”. That didn’t go over very well. Lol. I think that we should be able to talk about our poop without it being labeled “disgusting” and “weird”. You go, I go, everyone goes. Apparently all the time. So why can’t we talk about it? Especially because certain poops will help tell you if something is really wrong with you. I talk to certain friends about everything and they help me self-diagnose myself. Lol. We should’ve gone into medical school because we are really good doctors. And the stuff we can’t figure out (like why I cannot poop more than once a week) I go to the doctors for. Maybe me pooping once a week is normal for my body, so now I just need to make sure that the poop that is coming out is normal.

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS! And make sure you poop!

-tootles!

xoxo

I want to start this blog off with throwing ALL the shade to moms who have multiple children and still have amazing bodies. All you mothers who had amazing pregnancies, glowing skin, all your hair, and amazing genetics that allowed your shape to return after you had the baby. All of you moms despise me. (I’m joking for those who didn’t get it. Lol). I’m 5-years postpartum and I have people asking me if I’m pregnant again 😑. Not exactly the way I pictured it.

It’s been rough trying to get my body back. Actually, I’m lying. When I had both children, I was very skinny so I snapped back pretty well. But I was unhappy and I hated the way I looked. I started to gain the weight back without going to the gym and toning at the same time. Big mistake, because now I can’t lose this belly fat to save my life. I have an amazing set of people around me who lie to me all the time and tell me that I’m still sexy and attractive and that my stomach isn’t as bad as I think it is. And I love them unconditionally for it. But I know they’re lying 😂. It’s been a struggle trying to control what I eat and not eating beef ribs, fried shrimp, crabs, rice, Haitian mac n cheese, 3-meat chili, shrimp and chicken Alfredo penne (should I continue or do you get the point?). I just recently had fried Oreos for the first time and now it’s my new addiction (since I’ve banned myself from eating a whole chocolate cake) 😩. I have a love- an obsession- with food and its making it so difficult to be consistent with eating right (which always equates to healthy and healthy foods are so bland and non-filling).

The gym you ask? Well, between hating going alone because I have no idea what I’m doing, hating when guys ogle at my rather large behind, hating that I feel awkward because I’m absolutely sure I’m using the equipment the wrong way, not having a babysitter, and running 3 businesses, my schedule and pride doesn’t always allow me the opportunity to go CONSISTENTLY. And truth be told, I’m a lazy f-word, so if I don’t have someone pushing me while I’m there, my workouts last all of 30 minutes and I’m done. Not to mention that I now have been diagnosed (finally!!) with arthritis in not one but BOTH of my knees…. I can’t do all of the things that I used to be able to do. Yay, now I have to wear knee braces, I can’t run, lift weights, or put stress on my knees. This is going to be really easy 🙄😩.

I am quite sure that I am not the only mom of beautiful little monsters who say “mommy, can I jiggle your belly please? It’s just so squishy” at least once daily. I feel for you mom! I understand your plight and I am here with you! We need to stand up and take back the “mom-bod”! All of these people in the media who say we need to have a flat stomach and perfectly toned arms and legs don’t have to wake up at 6am to get little terrors up in the morning ready for camp/school, then get yourself ready, figure out breakfast for the kids, rush out the door to beat traffic, drop them off and get to work only to remember that you didn’t eat breakfast at 11:18am when your stomach starts to ask you why you think she was created. I propose that we just shamelessly walk with our stomachs out- proudly! Just make sure you shave that strip of hair first. My strip grew a mind of its own after the 2nd baby. I didn’t have it before and now I can’t get rid of it 🙄😂😂😂.

Mom, let’s take back our confidence, our beauty, and let’s shame these heffas with flat stomachs. Because if I can’t have one no one can! 😂😂😂😂

As always, be legendary QUEENS, be extraordinary KINGS!

-tootles!

Written by Emily Graham

Many people fear what will happen to their relationship after a baby. There’s no point in sugarcoating it: it is hard. Studies have shown that relationship satisfaction tends to decline twice as fast for couples with children, which is a scary statistic, to say the least. However, it is important to realize that this often happens because new parents don’t make an effort to remain connected after the baby. Here are the basics of doing just that.

Open Communication

 Open, honest, and regular communication is the most important part of any marriage, but this becomes absolutely crucial when you have a baby. A few keys of good communication between spouses include speaking softly, listening actively without interruptions, and honoring each other’s opinions — even when you disagree.

It’s a stressful time for both of you, so empathy is key. Remain a positive source of support for each other, but make sure you are never trying to fix your partner’s feelings. If one of you needs to vent, the other should allow this to happen without judgment or taking responsibility for it.

Communication is harder when you have a baby thanks to the crazy schedule and the constant exhaustion. You may not always have time for long, in-depth chats; however, a daily check-in can do wonders. Marriage Laboratory has a guide to the 10-minute check-in: Go over the good and the bad of the day, express your gratitude for each other, and wrap it up with a kiss.

 Date Night

Making time for non-baby things is one of the things that are going to keep you sane in the coming years. According to Kindred Bravely, you should definitely institute a date night, whether that’s simply watching a movie together, hosting a board game night, having a nice dinner (in or out), or just hanging out together like you used to before the baby. This quality couple time will strengthen your relationship, encourage communication, and ensure you both still feel connected to each other as people, not just parents.

Make Time for Friends

 When you become a parent, a sort of rift can form itself between you and your friends. It is important you fight against this, both for your sake and for your marriage. After all, your friends act as a sort of emotional buffer between you and your spouse — if you don’t have anyone else to talk to, it is easy to become codependent and resentful of each other.

Real Simple recommends you find a balance between your new lifestyle and that of your friends, keep regular contact, and focus on being a positive influence in your friends’ lives. Some friends may be harder to connect within the early baby stages, and that’s okay — it doesn’t necessarily mean your friendship is over.

 Take Care of Yourself

 It feels counter-intuitive for some, but when you take care of your own mental and physical well-being, you are better prepared to take care of both your baby and your marriage. A lot of parents feel guilty about taking time for themselves, or they feel like it’s impossible — but it isn’t! For example, you may think you don’t have time to exercise, but there are plenty of ways to fit it in. Going for walks with your baby, joining exercise groups for mothers, or just investing in some kit to work out at home while your baby is napping can help you stay in shape.

Another great way to fit in self-care is meditating. It’s easy to fit into any schedule (there are meditations as short as three minutes long), can be done anywhere, and a sustained practice does wonders for mental health. You can even apply mindfulness concepts to be a calmer parent and spouse; when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, stop, take deep breaths, and focus on your sensations, thoughts, and emotions.

 Having a child is the best and most terrifying thing you will do together — but never forget that you are doing it together. This fact alone bonds you in a way nothing else can, but it’s not enough. Remember that you may be parents now, but you were people, partners, and friends first. Learn to tap into who you both used to be before the baby and to make your relationship a priority. You will both be so much happier for it.

About the author: Emily Graham is the creator of Mighty Moms. She believes being a mom is one of the hardest jobs around and wanted to create a support system for moms from all walks of life. On her site, she offers a wide range of info tailored for busy moms — from how to reduce stress to creative ways to spend time together as a family.

If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I am dedicating the whole month of July to parenting. And if you don’t, know you know too. Lol. I find that too many new parents feel as if they don’t have anyone to turn to when they have “parenting woes”. Shoot, us seasoned parents don’t always have people to turn to that won’t judge us also! So I wanted to dedicate this whole month to issues, topics, and concerns that parents might have but are afraid to speak on. And I promise I won’t judge, so feel free to send me your messages and if I have an answer I will gladly help you out.

So- my most recent past time with the kids is keeping my son from playing with his penis blatantly in front of people, and helping them understand that they cannot say certain things out loud. Let’s tackle the latter first. Children have absolutely no filter. I am learning that more and more as they get older. I cannot get mad- they don’t understand why what they say is wrong; they’re just curious and want to know why something happened. For example- I used to take my next door neighbor’s children to school. They attended the same school as my daughter and I hate children walking alone so it was a no brainer for me. Every morning one of my children would go knock on their door and tell them that we are ready to go. Well, one morning while on our way to the school, my daughter bursts out and says” why is your house so dirty?” I honestly feel like the whole car instantly got quiet. I might be crazy, but I believe even the radio dimmed down for a few seconds.

I said, “Bell, that isn’t nice”.

And she replied, “no but mommy their house is really dirty”.

“Bella, I said that isn’t nice. Please stop!”

“But mom, our house is so clean and their house has stuff everywhere. They need to clean up.”

“Bella, I asked you to stop!”

Neighbor’s son: “Na uh, our house was dirty that day but it’s clean now!”

Bella: “no, it’s not. I just saw it”

Me: “Bella!”

Neighbor’s daughter: “well, we cleaned downstairs, now just upstairs is messy”

Car: dead silence. And I swear the radio shut off too! Lol!

I always drop my neighbor’s kids off first because I walk my daughter into her classroom, so when they got out I finally spoke to my daughter and helped her understand that she wasn’t in trouble, but she made the other kids feel bad when she said something about their house. I explained that not everyone cleans their house like we do, and sometimes mommy’s are too tired to clean. Just like sometimes our house is messy and I have to clean it or pay someone to clean it for me. Her response? “Well, maybe they should pay someone to clean their house too”. I burst out laughing- this little girl is something else!

Another example do you ask? Sure, why not. I have a neighbor who only has one arm. My kids see him all the time. He talks to us daily and even gives the kids pastries or ice cream occasionally. I guess those things shadowed the fact that he only has one arm. Until one day… I was getting the kids and I out of the car and into the house and my neighbor asked if I was still selling my car. I said yea. From behind me, my son yells out “Hey! What happened to your arm? It’s missing!” I froze. Two seconds later, I had to put my hand over my mouth to keep me from bursting out laughing. Of course I wanted to know the same thing, but I wasn’t about to ask him that! Lol. *In case you’re wondering, no he didn’t answer him*. Teaching our children to be mindful of what they say, how it can affect others, and being appropriate in our questions can be extremely hard. Especially if they are young like mine. I just have to keep reminding them.

Now for the pee-pee playing. This little guy has figured out that he can play with his penis, make it hard, and it feels good. So he does it- everywhere! He used to come out of the shower and take lotion and play with his penis in front of my daughter’s face. After constantly telling him no and stop, I decided on a different approach. I spoke to his therapist and we both agreed that we should redirect him- not to stop doing it (because that’s the age where they learn what it is, that it feels good, and that it’s not just for peeing) and explaining to him WHEN and WHERE he can do that. So I had a talk with him and told him “if you feel like you want to play with your penis (yes- we use the actual word), you need to take a few minutes and go into your room because that is a private thing and other people do not want to see you do it”. I didn’t criminalize him or the act, just simply explained that it’s only for him and when he’s done then he can come out and finish whatever he was doing. So now every night after he takes a shower, if I see him lingering in his penile area too long, I ask him does he need a few minutes to go play with it. The very first time he looked scared as he was walking away (I think he thought it was a test! LOL!), but now he knows. If it’s pee-pee playing time, we go to our room. When he’s done, he comes back and finishes lotioning his body for bed. And it works. No more inappropriate behavior and everyone is happy.

I admit- I handled it wrong at first. I yelled, I punished him, I probably made him feel bad about it. And the minute I realized that I was not approaching the issue correctly, I sought help to fix it. Had I not spoken to their therapist to help find a solution to the problem, I might have associated a negative reaction to him playing with himself (which is totally normal). That wasn’t what I wanted. I just wanted him to understand that he could do it as long as it was in private. Seeking that help for a solution saved us from having an issue every night. There is power in asking for help, so don’t think you have to parent alone. I still have hella grey hairs because of them though. Lol. Seeking parental advice is always for you and the child(ren)’s benefit. It won’t make you any younger, but it will make your job as a parent a lot easier. Let’s build this village, together.

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

tootles!

-xoxo

As you all know, I have 2 beautiful children. Annoying, but beautiful. We have a 3-day holiday weekend and most of the family went out of town so I decided to give in to my daughters constant nagging and bought tickets to fly out too. It’s not easy flying with children, so here are a few tips that I’ve mastered over the years. Hope they help!

Tip 1: make them sleep early the night before! Although for me it’s a pain because I always end up sleeping late and having to get up early, it allows them to wake up energized and ready for the trip. I even let them sleep in their traveling clothes so that when they wake up, we just brush and go!

Tip 2: pack lots of snacks. If your kids are anything like mine, they want everything they see. So to combat that, I pack all of their favorite snacks in their bags so they have something to snack on. And hopefully their mouths are too full to ask “mommy, can you buy me that?”

Tip 3: download favorite shows and movies onto their iPads/tablets the night before. We always go to Netflix and download at least 1 movie and a few shows to keep them entertained while waiting to board and actually on the plane. I sometimes pack activity books and crayons too- anything to keep these hyper kids from running up and down the plane. Lol!

Tip 4: please bring a sweater! The last thing you need is a kid whining because they’re cold and there is no blanket in sight. My kids either wear long sleeves or have a light jacket.

Tip 5: wear tight shoes (sneakers, back strap sandals, shoes)- something that you can run in. You never know when it’ll come in handy.

Tip 6: remember when I said I bring snacks? I also bring gum. The ascending and descending of the plane almost always make our ears pop, and the younger the child the more uncomfortable it can be. The snacks and/or gum helps un-pop the ears and makes them more comfortable.

Tip 7: bring headphones. I’m sure the people sitting around us on the plane today were not too happy that I forgot ours. Between their iPad, the Nintendo switch, and my son shouting every time he jumped successfully over a rock- my isle was pretty loud.

Tip 8: make the trip exciting! We talk about taking “an airplane adventure” at least 2 weeks before the actual trip. I started doing this since the very first time I took them on an airplane 4 years ago and it helped them to not be scared of flying and enjoy the sights outside the window.

Lastly- have fun! It can be a little overwhelming (specifically if you’re flying with them alone) but the more you make it exciting for the kids the better the experience. Plus, they have something to tell all their friends when we get back home.

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

When I first met you, I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life. I needed advice, and God brought me to you. I only needed advice- what to do and how to do it. But you gave me so much more…

From our very first conversation you made me laugh and feel safe. So when you asked if it was ok to call me later, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. From that moment on we’ve talked just about every day. You went from giving me legal advice to bringing me peace, calm, stability, and love. You’ve been a role model to my kids, a voice of reason when I wanted to snap, my business partner, and a very good friend. I don’t know when it happened, but I fell in love with you. It caught me completely off guard because my past relationship was still lingering, still pestering, still trying to bring me down. That didn’t stop you though, didn’t scare you, and didn’t keep you from being there for me. You became my love.

It was definitely a struggle! With my ex on my end and your job and children’s mothers on yours, finding time with each other became difficult. At one point it was non-existent. But you managed to find a way to come back to me to show me how much you needed me. You always found a way to show me how much you needed me, even if you couldn’t find the words to express it.

I’m struggling now to understand how we got to where we are now. Struggling to understand where it fell apart. No matter what happens, I want you to know that my love will always be what it is because of you. Because of the way you fully accepted me. Because of the way you never judged me. Because of the way you never stopped loving me even when situations made it difficult for you.

Thank you for loving me.

I still love you…

I’ll be the first to admit that I think I know it all. I think I know the best way to handle things and fix situations, which is what makes me a great business woman, but that doesn’t always transfer over into our every day lives.

You only understand as well as your brokenness allows you to. The truth and profoundness behind this statement is scary (never mind the fact that it came to me while I was washing dishes. Lol). The hurt that we experience as children and in past relationships shape our understanding, thought process, and logic. For too long, I was dealing with people and situations with the assumption that I knew how to fix “it” and make it better. When in fact, the ONLY thing that I’m right about is that I don’t know crap. I’m learning every single day- learning how to love, how to heal, how to parent, how to maintain my business, how to trust, how to listen. I’m realizing that even when I think I’m right about something, I may have gotten a small part or fact of it wrong. As an imperfect perfectionist, this used to drive me crazy! But the more I let myself go and just listen (to God, to others, to myself) the more I understand that’s it’s ok to not know everything; the more I learn.

I don’t know how my kids are going to turn out. All I can do is teach them what I think I know and pray that God covers the rest. I don’t know what love looks like. I thought I did, but I’m learning that it has too many shapes and forms to be able to place a label on it. I’m learning that healing doesn’t always mean peace. I can be healed and still have to go through storm after storm. I’m learning that forgiveness isn’t easy, and acceptance first comes from knowing God. I don’t know it all. And I’m finally understanding that it’s ok not to.

I’m not right about a lot of things. But I’m right in loving despite the hurt. Because the love that I give isn’t always about or for me- it’s for the one person who feels like no one has ever loved them so they don’t need to love others. Or the child who’s bounced from placement to placement and doesn’t believe that anyone could love them. It’s for the woman who finally found the courage to leave her abuser, but believes all the lies he told her about no one loving her besides him. It’s for the man who heard all his life that he was soft and didn’t deserve the respect of being a man. Too often we make life about US; it’s not. It’s about everyone.

Let’s let go of what we think is right, and listen to what the universe and everyone in it can teach us. You’ll be surprised at what you learn.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

I’m not sure how many of my blogs you’ve read or if you’ve been following me on social media but if you have you know that I’ve been going through the wringer with the father of my children. All I’ll say about that is that my kids have always and will always come first!!

What I want to talk about is making it through a really rough patch. For several weeks, I battled with depression. Ok- more like a couple of months. It started off with just a bad day here and a bad day there, but the more the problems and stress continued the more depressed I became. I was constantly tired; I stopped having the motivation to do anything, including work; my patience was very thin with my children; I didn’t want to be bothered with people so I stayed home all the time. I woke up one day and said: “God, I am depressed and I don’t want to be but I don’t know how to pull myself out of this”. The depression got worse, and I didn’t know how to shake it off. I signed up for domestic abuse counseling and the counselor referred me to a therapist for depression. I just didn’t know what to do or how to get better. It got to the point where I was home one weekend alone and I cried. The whole weekend. To every movie, to every song, to every commercial. I just cried. I didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t eat. I just slept and cried. Finally, I told my mom and my closest friends that I was depressed, but this was after typing and erasing the message a million times (just imagine the text stories that type a message then erase it then type another one then erase it- that was me. Lol). I thought that they wouldn’t care about MY problems, MY issues, MY depression. I begged God to help me pull myself out of this because I knew that the longer I stayed depressed the harder it would be to come out of it.

My mother was in town; she called me up the day after I told her that I was depressed and told me that she wanted to pray with me. I’m not sure why, but I smiled. She came over, and as she started to pray I cried. But this time it was because I was releasing everything that I had been holding on to. The hurt, the disappointment, the fear, the anxiety, the feeling of helplessness. I was letting it all go, and I could hear God telling me that I was going to be ok. Immediately after we were done, I didn’t have that dark cloud over me anyone. I wasn’t tired; I didn’t want to shut myself off from the world. I was back.

My take away- never give up. I’m not sure anyone else would have been able to deal with the amount of stress that I was dealing with and last as long as I did without going crazy (not saying it’s impossible, but it was A LOT!). This taught me just how real depression is, and how quickly you can fall into it. Especially if you don’t know the signs and symptoms. I knew I was depressed and could not fight my way out of it, and I think that I am a pretty strong person emotionally. So I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who isn’t aware of the signs. *Please be mindful that there is situational depression and clinical depression. Depression brought on from a situation/stressful issue can be just as dangerous as clinical depression. If you think you might be depressed, please call the depression hotline or reach out to someone. The world needs you, and so do the people around you*

Life is hard; people and situations can make it even harder. Dealing with it on your own and not being aware of your mental health can cause you physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual problems. But you are not alone! (cue Micheal Jackson song) There are people who have been exactly where you are, have dealt with your pain and struggles (I’m talking to myself too here), and can help you. Talking does help (again, I am talking to myself here), and people do actually care. People love to say “I was born alone and I’ll die alone” but that saying doesn’t hold any truth. You were born with your mom, the doctors, the nurse(s), and whomever else was in the room at the time. We came into this world with people, we live in a world full of people, and we can make it through every tough situation with someone. Just don’t be afraid to ask. I fought for months with my depression and I kept sinking. It’s not easy to come out of alone, but the minute I said I couldn’t do it on my own and I spoke up God sent his word through people and prayer to break up that dark cloud and allow me to see the sun again. Please don’t fight that battle alone, and don’t give up!

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I was in an abusive relationship. The theory is that once you leave that relationship, you’ll start the process of healing and being able to let go- you become a survivor. Well, what happens when you’re still being abused, even after you’ve walked away?

Approximately an hour ago I heard a banging at my door. I initially ignored it because I didn’t anticipate having any guests come over. The banging came again, so I decided to check it out. I asked “who is it” and I heard “the sheriff’s department”. I immediately started to panic- I’m getting locked up again. The first thing that popped into my head was “who’s going to get the kids, they have school in the morning?” But, I was being served with a restraining order. I read the order- I’m accused of having a gun stored at my house and threatening to use it to kill the father of my children, I’m accused of being overheard on the phone saying that I was going to kill him, I’m accused of screaming profanities at him in front of my children, I’m accused of so many things. I’m accused of hiding behind my cop boyfriend and thinking that I’m invincible. The reality is that I’m scared out of my mind.

To think that once I was in love with someone who could do something like this to me. I’ve been harassed, stalked, threatened, called a disgrace of a mother, had my name thrown into the dirt, my reputation soiled, and he keeps attempting to take the kids away from me. I’m still being abused, 4 years after I walked away. I’m not a survivor. I’m alone. I’m scared. And I don’t know what to do next. Every time I turn to someone for help, they tell me there’s nothing they can do about it. The cops won’t step in because “technically he hasn’t committed a crime”; lawyers won’t step in because “it’s just a civil matter that the courts can handle”. Who’s going to protect the kids and I from this man who’s doing everything in his power to destroy me? Who’s going to step in when he decides to cross the line and get rid of me for good?

I don’t know what it’s like to be at peace. I don’t sleep at night. I’m constantly looking out the window to see if there’s a car that’s out of place or if there are any new flyers on the cars and windows. I screen every call, I double lock all doors and windows in my house, I even bought a security system. Most days I stay home if I can because I don’t know what’s waiting for me on the other side of my door. I’m not a survivor, I’m still being abused.

I have a ton of male friends who are having relationship issues right now. The funny thing is, all of them are having the exact same issue in their situations and don’t even know it. I also realize that there is a major disconnect between men and women- men don’t listen to us and women don’t know how to express their frustrations to men properly. Either things go downhill from it or someone is going to have to realize that things need to change.

Men and women don’t listen to each other. It’s a fact. And it’s extremely apparent with all of my guy friends. I can think of the most recent situation that I’ve had to coach one of my friends through. The female is telling him exactly how she is, what she wants, and what type of personality she has through her actions, certain things that she says, and by what she’s asking of him. And he is on the complete opposite of the spectrum in what he’s ready to give and receive from her. I told him that he was an idiot and if things ended badly it would be completely his fault. I told him that she would kill him. He laughed. I was serious. We as women tell men EXACTLY what we want and need from you, you just don’t listen. I know I constantly used to tell the cop what I wanted from him until one day I said “I’m not going to keep repeating myself. Either you’re going to do it or someone else will!” Guess what happened? I’m not quite sure why our communication skills are not received by men, but if you want your man to hear you, you need to learn to speak HIS language. Now- hear me out ladies. The same way that you have to speak to your kids on a level that they can understand, you have to do the same for your man. He’s been through many different women who have treated him a certain way. He has learned behaviors from past experiences. You have to teach him how to love you by speaking to him in his language. It’ll be worth it in the end, I promise.

Men and women expect their dating partner to already know how to cater to them. That’s unrealistic. They have been with other people before you. They grew up a certain way in their household. They have different beliefs and ideologies. And THEY DON’T KNOW YOU!!! I really don’t fathom how people expect complete strangers to know how to cater to them. They have to learn your behaviors, learn your flaws and weaknesses, learn your strengths and abilities. They have to spend time with you to learn how to cater to you when you are down and when you are happy. It takes time, patience, and determination. That’s how you lessen the conflicts in the relationship.

Men and women need to learn to teach their dating partner how to be with and love them. This is COMPLETELY different from learning how to be with you. I teach my friends and children how to deal with me. I teach my man how to love me. There are certain things that he can do and say to me that will completely change my attitude towards something that my friends and family can’t do. There is a way, a tenderness, a vulnerability that I have to coach my mate to handle within me that will help us fall in love with each other. Because FALLING in love is easy, but STAYING in love is hard. And if you don’t teach someone how to constantly make you fall in love with them, it won’t work. You can be great friends, but not great partners.

The only way to fall in love is to be open to it and be willing to learn new habits and behaviors. If you’ve been hurt before in the past, you can’t to come into a new relationship with those bad habits, old hurts, and negative thoughts and expect it to work. In order for a new relationship to work, you have to come in completely open and vulnerable and willing to learn. I’ve been hurt, abused rather, in the past. When I met my partner, I had to fight to leave all of those past issues in the past. I had to be willing to learn how to cater to HIM- his needs, his likes, his wants, his weaknesses, his strengths. Now- I never said that it would be an easy task, but it is one that is worth it in the long run. You can’t hate love and want someone to love you. It doesn’t work that way. Also, love didn’t hurt you. I hear many people say fuck love, love is pointless, I’m better off without it. We can’t be friends. That negative energy has no place around me. Love NEVER did anything to hurt you. Love NEVER played you. Love NEVER cheated on you. Love NEVER left you alone. Because if you understand what love is, you’d know that God is love and God only wants the best for you. THE PERSON YOU DATED HURT YOU!!!! Stop blaming love/God for people’s mistakes and shortcomings. People always ask me how it was so easy to move on after the hurt that I went through. Easy- love didn’t hurt me, my ex did. Knowing that, I had no problem allowing love to wiggle and 2-step it’s way back into my life and heart.

I love love. I coach many of my friends through their relationships because I want everyone to be in happy, HEALTHY, and successful relationships. But we have to be willing to put in the work to make it happen, then to maintain it. Trust me, love is definitely worth it.

Until next time, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo