I am not always right

I’ll be the first to admit that I think I know it all. I think I know the best way to handle things and fix situations, which is what makes me a great business woman, but that doesn’t always transfer over into our every day lives.

You only understand as well as your brokenness allows you to. The truth and profoundness behind this statement is scary (never mind the fact that it came to me while I was washing dishes. Lol). The hurt that we experience as children and in past relationships shape our understanding, thought process, and logic. For too long, I was dealing with people and situations with the assumption that I knew how to fix “it” and make it better. When in fact, the ONLY thing that I’m right about is that I don’t know crap. I’m learning every single day- learning how to love, how to heal, how to parent, how to maintain my business, how to trust, how to listen. I’m realizing that even when I think I’m right about something, I may have gotten a small part or fact of it wrong. As an imperfect perfectionist, this used to drive me crazy! But the more I let myself go and just listen (to God, to others, to myself) the more I understand that’s it’s ok to not know everything; the more I learn.

I don’t know how my kids are going to turn out. All I can do is teach them what I think I know and pray that God covers the rest. I don’t know what love looks like. I thought I did, but I’m learning that it has too many shapes and forms to be able to place a label on it. I’m learning that healing doesn’t always mean peace. I can be healed and still have to go through storm after storm. I’m learning that forgiveness isn’t easy, and acceptance first comes from knowing God. I don’t know it all. And I’m finally understanding that it’s ok not to.

I’m not right about a lot of things. But I’m right in loving despite the hurt. Because the love that I give isn’t always about or for me- it’s for the one person who feels like no one has ever loved them so they don’t need to love others. Or the child who’s bounced from placement to placement and doesn’t believe that anyone could love them. It’s for the woman who finally found the courage to leave her abuser, but believes all the lies he told her about no one loving her besides him. It’s for the man who heard all his life that he was soft and didn’t deserve the respect of being a man. Too often we make life about US; it’s not. It’s about everyone.

Let’s let go of what we think is right, and listen to what the universe and everyone in it can teach us. You’ll be surprised at what you learn.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

Never Give Up!

I’m not sure how many of my blogs you’ve read or if you’ve been following me on social media but if you have you know that I’ve been going through the wringer with the father of my children. All I’ll say about that is that my kids have always and will always come first!!

What I want to talk about is making it through a really rough patch. For several weeks, I battled with depression. Ok- more like a couple of months. It started off with just a bad day here and a bad day there, but the more the problems and stress continued the more depressed I became. I was constantly tired; I stopped having the motivation to do anything, including work; my patience was very thin with my children; I didn’t want to be bothered with people so I stayed home all the time. I woke up one day and said: “God, I am depressed and I don’t want to be but I don’t know how to pull myself out of this”. The depression got worse, and I didn’t know how to shake it off. I signed up for domestic abuse counseling and the counselor referred me to a therapist for depression. I just didn’t know what to do or how to get better. It got to the point where I was home one weekend alone and I cried. The whole weekend. To every movie, to every song, to every commercial. I just cried. I didn’t answer my phone, I didn’t eat. I just slept and cried. Finally, I told my mom and my closest friends that I was depressed, but this was after typing and erasing the message a million times (just imagine the text stories that type a message then erase it then type another one then erase it- that was me. Lol). I thought that they wouldn’t care about MY problems, MY issues, MY depression. I begged God to help me pull myself out of this because I knew that the longer I stayed depressed the harder it would be to come out of it.

My mother was in town; she called me up the day after I told her that I was depressed and told me that she wanted to pray with me. I’m not sure why, but I smiled. She came over, and as she started to pray I cried. But this time it was because I was releasing everything that I had been holding on to. The hurt, the disappointment, the fear, the anxiety, the feeling of helplessness. I was letting it all go, and I could hear God telling me that I was going to be ok. Immediately after we were done, I didn’t have that dark cloud over me anyone. I wasn’t tired; I didn’t want to shut myself off from the world. I was back.

My take away- never give up. I’m not sure anyone else would have been able to deal with the amount of stress that I was dealing with and last as long as I did without going crazy (not saying it’s impossible, but it was A LOT!). This taught me just how real depression is, and how quickly you can fall into it. Especially if you don’t know the signs and symptoms. I knew I was depressed and could not fight my way out of it, and I think that I am a pretty strong person emotionally. So I can only imagine how hard it is for someone who isn’t aware of the signs. *Please be mindful that there is situational depression and clinical depression. Depression brought on from a situation/stressful issue can be just as dangerous as clinical depression. If you think you might be depressed, please call the depression hotline or reach out to someone. The world needs you, and so do the people around you*

Life is hard; people and situations can make it even harder. Dealing with it on your own and not being aware of your mental health can cause you physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual problems. But you are not alone! (cue Micheal Jackson song) There are people who have been exactly where you are, have dealt with your pain and struggles (I’m talking to myself too here), and can help you. Talking does help (again, I am talking to myself here), and people do actually care. People love to say “I was born alone and I’ll die alone” but that saying doesn’t hold any truth. You were born with your mom, the doctors, the nurse(s), and whomever else was in the room at the time. We came into this world with people, we live in a world full of people, and we can make it through every tough situation with someone. Just don’t be afraid to ask. I fought for months with my depression and I kept sinking. It’s not easy to come out of alone, but the minute I said I couldn’t do it on my own and I spoke up God sent his word through people and prayer to break up that dark cloud and allow me to see the sun again. Please don’t fight that battle alone, and don’t give up!

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

I’m Not A Survivor…

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I was in an abusive relationship. The theory is that once you leave that relationship, you’ll start the process of healing and being able to let go- you become a survivor. Well, what happens when you’re still being abused, even after you’ve walked away?

Approximately an hour ago I heard a banging at my door. I initially ignored it because I didn’t anticipate having any guests come over. The banging came again, so I decided to check it out. I asked “who is it” and I heard “the sheriff’s department”. I immediately started to panic- I’m getting locked up again. The first thing that popped into my head was “who’s going to get the kids, they have school in the morning?” But, I was being served with a restraining order. I read the order- I’m accused of having a gun stored at my house and threatening to use it to kill the father of my children, I’m accused of being overheard on the phone saying that I was going to kill him, I’m accused of screaming profanities at him in front of my children, I’m accused of so many things. I’m accused of hiding behind my cop boyfriend and thinking that I’m invincible. The reality is that I’m scared out of my mind.

To think that once I was in love with someone who could do something like this to me. I’ve been harassed, stalked, threatened, called a disgrace of a mother, had my name thrown into the dirt, my reputation soiled, and he keeps attempting to take the kids away from me. I’m still being abused, 4 years after I walked away. I’m not a survivor. I’m alone. I’m scared. And I don’t know what to do next. Every time I turn to someone for help, they tell me there’s nothing they can do about it. The cops won’t step in because “technically he hasn’t committed a crime”; lawyers won’t step in because “it’s just a civil matter that the courts can handle”. Who’s going to protect the kids and I from this man who’s doing everything in his power to destroy me? Who’s going to step in when he decides to cross the line and get rid of me for good?

I don’t know what it’s like to be at peace. I don’t sleep at night. I’m constantly looking out the window to see if there’s a car that’s out of place or if there are any new flyers on the cars and windows. I screen every call, I double lock all doors and windows in my house, I even bought a security system. Most days I stay home if I can because I don’t know what’s waiting for me on the other side of my door. I’m not a survivor, I’m still being abused.

The Disconnect in Dating

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I have a ton of male friends who are having relationship issues right now. The funny thing is, all of them are having the exact same issue in their situations and don’t even know it. I also realize that there is a major disconnect between men and women- men don’t listen to us and women don’t know how to express their frustrations to men properly. Either things go downhill from it or someone is going to have to realize that things need to change.

Men and women don’t listen to each other. It’s a fact. And it’s extremely apparent with all of my guy friends. I can think of the most recent situation that I’ve had to coach one of my friends through. The female is telling him exactly how she is, what she wants, and what type of personality she has through her actions, certain things that she says, and by what she’s asking of him. And he is on the complete opposite of the spectrum in what he’s ready to give and receive from her. I told him that he was an idiot and if things ended badly it would be completely his fault. I told him that she would kill him. He laughed. I was serious. We as women tell men EXACTLY what we want and need from you, you just don’t listen. I know I constantly used to tell the cop what I wanted from him until one day I said “I’m not going to keep repeating myself. Either you’re going to do it or someone else will!” Guess what happened? I’m not quite sure why our communication skills are not received by men, but if you want your man to hear you, you need to learn to speak HIS language. Now- hear me out ladies. The same way that you have to speak to your kids on a level that they can understand, you have to do the same for your man. He’s been through many different women who have treated him a certain way. He has learned behaviors from past experiences. You have to teach him how to love you by speaking to him in his language. It’ll be worth it in the end, I promise.

Men and women expect their dating partner to already know how to cater to them. That’s unrealistic. They have been with other people before you. They grew up a certain way in their household. They have different beliefs and ideologies. And THEY DON’T KNOW YOU!!! I really don’t fathom how people expect complete strangers to know how to cater to them. They have to learn your behaviors, learn your flaws and weaknesses, learn your strengths and abilities. They have to spend time with you to learn how to cater to you when you are down and when you are happy. It takes time, patience, and determination. That’s how you lessen the conflicts in the relationship.

Men and women need to learn to teach their dating partner how to be with and love them. This is COMPLETELY different from learning how to be with you. I teach my friends and children how to deal with me. I teach my man how to love me. There are certain things that he can do and say to me that will completely change my attitude towards something that my friends and family can’t do. There is a way, a tenderness, a vulnerability that I have to coach my mate to handle within me that will help us fall in love with each other. Because FALLING in love is easy, but STAYING in love is hard. And if you don’t teach someone how to constantly make you fall in love with them, it won’t work. You can be great friends, but not great partners.

The only way to fall in love is to be open to it and be willing to learn new habits and behaviors. If you’ve been hurt before in the past, you can’t to come into a new relationship with those bad habits, old hurts, and negative thoughts and expect it to work. In order for a new relationship to work, you have to come in completely open and vulnerable and willing to learn. I’ve been hurt, abused rather, in the past. When I met my partner, I had to fight to leave all of those past issues in the past. I had to be willing to learn how to cater to HIM- his needs, his likes, his wants, his weaknesses, his strengths. Now- I never said that it would be an easy task, but it is one that is worth it in the long run. You can’t hate love and want someone to love you. It doesn’t work that way. Also, love didn’t hurt you. I hear many people say fuck love, love is pointless, I’m better off without it. We can’t be friends. That negative energy has no place around me. Love NEVER did anything to hurt you. Love NEVER played you. Love NEVER cheated on you. Love NEVER left you alone. Because if you understand what love is, you’d know that God is love and God only wants the best for you. THE PERSON YOU DATED HURT YOU!!!! Stop blaming love/God for people’s mistakes and shortcomings. People always ask me how it was so easy to move on after the hurt that I went through. Easy- love didn’t hurt me, my ex did. Knowing that, I had no problem allowing love to wiggle and 2-step it’s way back into my life and heart.

I love love. I coach many of my friends through their relationships because I want everyone to be in happy, HEALTHY, and successful relationships. But we have to be willing to put in the work to make it happen, then to maintain it. Trust me, love is definitely worth it.

Until next time, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

Gotta Have Faith and Friends

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I have been going through a wicked time with the father of my children. Yes, he’s still stalking and harassing me. But now, I am not bothered by it. This is thanks to some awesome friends.

When this whole situation started, it got to the point that I was afraid to leave my house. I didn’t know what to do or how to counter the stress that these situations were giving me. Then, an unexpected friend came out of the blue and gave me some advice. Then, another came, and another, and another. I went from feeling like I was dealing with this issue alone to having several people giving me advice and encouraging words to help me through. This was already a tough atmosphere for me to live in, so these people had to be sent from God.

I am a very Christ-centered person, even though I don’t go to church. But, I don’t like talking to “Christians” because instead of talking to you and giving you advice they always say “I’ll pray for you”. That’s not very helpful. These friends that started coming out of the woodwork spoke to my Christ-centeredness in a way that I could relate to. Giving me advice, telling me their stories, and casually throwing God and bible scriptures into the mix. I sat back one night and said: “if this isn’t God speaking to me then IDK what is”. I went from feeling like the world was against me to feeling like I was ready to tackle the world. All with a few encouraging words and bible scriptures casually being thrown into a conversation. God knew how to get to me.

I struggle with trust- trusting God, trusting my significant other, trusting my kids, trusting myself. Trusting anyone really. If I don’t know what the outcome of a situation will be, I will more than likely try to maneuver it until I think I’m getting the outcome that I want. This current situation is no different. I cannot predict what the outcome will be, so me sitting back with my feet kicked up and allowing God to work his magic was not a top priority for me. I wanted to know who, what, where, when, how, why, and with how much force was it going to be done. Lol. I can imagine God sitting in heaven (or maybe even right next to me) and laughing until tears came to His eyes. It wasn’t until after all of these conversations with these multiple people that I saw His hand in my situation AND an outcome. That was the biggest thing for me- seeing how this was going to play out. Once I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that God got this and me, I was stress-free. My shoulders weren’t tight, I had no anxiety, I could sleep at night, my appetite came back. I started to laugh again.

What I am going through isn’t easy- a mentally and emotionally weak person would have easily given up and given in by now. But I am not weak- emotionally, mentally, or physically (let’s not test that theory out though- I haven’t been to the gym in months and I doubt I can even complete 1 full push up. Lol!). I just needed to hear God’s voice to know that I was going to be good. And honey, I am going to be great!

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary Queens!

-tootles!

xoxo

My Pussy Must Be Magic

The last 2 months of my life have made me re-examine people, past mates, and decisions that I’ve made in my 20’s. Mostly the people that I’ve chosen to give my time and effort to. The way I’m getting stalked and harassed, I’ve determined that my pussy must have magical powers in them.

My ex is stalking me. And I’m talking random cars on my block, calling and hanging up the phone, leaving defaming flyers in my neighborhood and at my kids schools stalking. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in a month. He must miss this pussy. Because what logical answer can he give as to why he’s persistently harassing me? And if I’m using my hindsight memory, he told me he’d kill me if I tried to leave him and take the kids with me. The moment he realized that I really left him, shit hit the fan. Never this bad, but honey- he snapped. I’ve had men tell me within the last 3 years that he wanted me back but I dismissed all of that until last night. He must want me back. He must want to dip into my honey pot just one more time. He must want to steal from my high vibrations just one last time. He must want to be in the presence of greatness for one more second, because any other explanation of this craziness just doesn’t make sense. When I’m friendly to him and make a serious effort to just give him what he wants just to have peace in my life, he’s all on me. Wanting me back, his marriage is in shambles, she doesn’t understand him the way that I do. Until he realized I was serious about the person I was dating and (you guessed it) shit hit the fan.

I overlooked this fact for far too long, but this morning the lightbulb went off in my head. My pussy is magic. I’ve had other men be gaga over me but never this hard, never this strong, never for this long (ok that part is a lie because my ex fiancé still sends me love letters to this day). I have no idea what sex feels like for a man but my sex must be directly sent from god and wrapped in a unicorn package with sprinkles of gold dust because the way this man won’t let me go is ridiculous. I actually went into the bathroom this morning with a mirror, sat on the toilet, and opened my legs to examine what was between it just to try to get a better understanding of the situation. I might have to schedule an appt with my gyno; I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

As I was in tears last night, a friend told me that I was “dope”. It caught me off guard. The first thought that I had was “I don’t feel dope right now”. I went home, fell asleep, and my son woke me up at 5:38am this morning (I’m just about ready to give him up for adoption- it’s a Saturday morning! Why is he awake so early!!!!), and I said I AM FUCKING DOPE!!!!!!! I spent 9 months in jail, came home, and hit the ground running! Started a SUCCESSFUL business, helped my mom continue to build hers, started an after school program, moved into and furnished a whole house after coming from absolutely NOTHING!, and have been making major connections. I even started a blog that unbeknownst to me a lot of people read and relate to. I’m a dope as mom, I give all of myself to anyone I love, and I refuse to be knocked down! I am dope. As fuck actually. And I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of it. So, I’m fucking amazing with magical pussy. And I’m damn proud of it.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

Being The Bad Guy

There are many parents who keep their child(ren) from seeing the other parent as a form of punishment, to hurt and spite the other person for leaving them and being with someone else. For the 10% of parents that don’t allow the child(ren) to see the other parent because of the damage that it causes to the kid(s) and yourself, I sympathize and understand EXACTLY what you are going through….

For the last 4 years, I’ve been in an ongoing battle with my children’s father. I know what it’s like to grow up without your father in your life and having that positive father-child relationship, so I always ensured myself that no matter what happened I would encourage his relationship with them. Lately, I’m having to rethink that. For several different reason, but the main one being the dysfunction that seems to follow their father in every relationship that he’s in. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t give the kids a bath when they’re with him, he doesn’t do homework or encourage reading and writing, he doesn’t properly feed them, they come home sick and with ringworms, he hasn’t taken my son to get a haircut in almost 4 months (shout out to my current partner for picking up where their father falls short), he doesn’t pay for school tuition or trips, and whenever he gets mad at me he pulls them from their school and enrolls them into another one of his choosing. No, those weren’t the reasons why I’m forced to make such a decision, although there were valid reasons in and of themselves.

I am making the decision to be the bad guy because his home life is full of arguments, discord, and manipulation. He led me to believe that those things only happened in OUR relationship because I was the issue. Yet my children come home with behaviors that I, at first, had been brushing off as them being children. Until my oldest child’s teacher sent a note home stating that her behaviors at school have gotten worse as well. I phoned the teacher and spoke with her; she informed me that she could tell when my daughter is coming from her fathers house because her “behaviors are progressively getting worse”. She pulled my daughter to the side and asked her if everything was ok and my daughter told her that she was sad because “mommy and daddy keep fighting”. At first I became defensive because I am diligent about not fighting in front of them. Then, I remembered that they call his wife mom and a lightbulb went off in my head. My son has said at random times that “mommy _______ is sad because daddy keeps yelling and making her feel bad”. My daughter has told me that she’s sad because “mommy ______ left the house and went to her mommy’s house because daddy made her upset”. In just this past year, my children have told me that their step-mother has left the house on 4 separate occasions. Imagine the trauma it’s causing these children to have someone consistently walking out and coming back into their lives.

I had a talk with my daughter. I asked her if she was happy or sad when she’s at her dads house. She’s happy she’s with her dad, but sad that they always argue. She even told me 2 stories of arguments that happened; I’m assuming they stuck with her because they affected her.

My dilemma now is do I keep my kids with me where they’re safe from arguments, people walking away, and dysfunction and go through the drama of fighting with their father about it (even though I have full legal and primary custody of the kids so I have every right to make that decision), or do I allow them to continue to spend time with their father knowing the damage and psychological trauma that it’s causing. At this point, which evil is the most detrimental? I’ve had people say “why don’t you just try talking to him?” Well, you don’t know my children’s father. This decision that is difficult for me to make, he’s made with absolutely no effort in the past, on more than one occasion. The last time he kept the kids from me was for 2.5 months while we awaited our custody court date because “he was afraid I was taking the kids from him”. Did I mention that according to our order no party can move outside of the county that we live in without prior notification and approval of the courts and the other party? Yet he’s moved out of our county and has been telling our daughter that he’s transferring her into a new school in that new county that mom has no knowledge of. What does that sound like to you?

The logical part of me (my brain) says that this is an easy decision to make. The emotional part of me (my heart) is worried about how this too could affect the kids. I essentially have to choose between the lesser of two evils. I’ve been fighting with him for the last 4 years, so that’s not new to me. My children shouldn’t have to be in the middle of ANY fights, especially if it’s affecting them. I left him for that reason. Can you guess which way i was swayed?

Being a single parent is TOUGH! I made the choice to be a single parent when I walked away from my marriage with their father. I did it to give my children a better life- one with peace, stability, safety, and love. I’ve accomplished that. And I won’t let anyone (including their father) take that away from them. Being the bad guy in this situation is making me their hero. I pray that he can get his situation together so that he can spend time with his kids. They need him. But for now, they need peace even more.

Make wise decisions, especially with the person you think you want to have children with.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

Cafe Soho Review

Hey all! Happy Saturday!

I love food. Cooking food, going out to eat, pastries, etc. I always said I wanted to be a good blogger or a good critique and I never applied any effort, UNTIL NOW! I eat out a lot, so I figure I’d start writing reviews and if anyone is in the area of the place that I reviewed you can try them out.

I am in Philadelphia- there are a bunch of different places here that have amazing foods, so please read all my food blogs and check some of them out. This particular spot is called “Cafe Soho”. They are located at 468 W. Cheltenham Ave in Philadelphia. They are known for their spicy wings!

I love spicy food! So when I was introduced to this place, I was excited to try their wings. Their menu is pretty dope; when I went I ordered the shrimp fried rice with the spicy wings and my friend ordered their Thai Chili wings. The rice came out first, then the wings. I’m carribean, so I LOVE rice. Theirs was good- it had an egg in it, cheese, shrimp, and veggies and it was seasoned well. Then the wings came out.

If you can not tolerate HOT foods, DO NOT ORDER THESE WINGS! They are spicy! But they have this amazing flavor despite the heat (have you ever had food so spicy that you couldn’t taste any flavor? They have found a way to solve that problem!) Their small order comes with 10 wings and their large comes in 20. These wings are amazing. I order them all the time now! I also tried the Thai Chili- they were great as well! They had a sweet flavor to it, and an underlying slight kick that sort of caught you off guard. Definitely one to keep on the books as a great lunch.

If I were to rate this place, they would get a 7.5 out of 10, only because everything is a la carte and I’m greedy so I want everything together. Taste wise? They definitely would get an 8 out of 10. I go there all the time- I actually just had their wings a few days ago.

Check them out if you’re in Philly. I’ve referred several people there and they were happy with the referral. If you go, let me know what you think!

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

5 Dating Tips For My Future Husband

Fellas. When you meet your significant other for the first time, you go out of your way to let them know that you’re interested. You take your lady out on dates, bring her flowers, tell her she’s beautiful, etc. Those things shouldn’t stop once you get into a relationship or get married. Husband, if you’re reading this, you better not stop these things or you’re sleeping on the couch. This is MY blueprint to dating me after marriage…

1- bring me flowers. I can easily pick them up when I go grocery shopping, but it means so much more when they come from you. To know that you thought of me enough to go out of your way to bring me something that I like will help keep the spark alive

2- smack my ass, hug me from behind, and kiss my neck randomly. Let me know that I am still attractive to you, even when I’m in the house with my hair tied up wearing boxers and an oversized t-shirt. The more I know you still think I’m sexy, the more effort I’ll put into looking good for you

3- call me just to talk! I love to talk, I always have something to say. Calling me just to hear my voice and asking me how my day was will help keep our bond stronger. And it will definitely make me feel important to you

4- take me out, show me off! Let’s get dressed up and go to a party or a lounge. I look good so we will always be a handsome couple. Lol. Let’s get out of the house, not be cooped up, and enjoy the night air and each other

5- f*%! me like I’m a stranger 😏😌. Do the same moves you did when you wanted me to forget all the other people that I’ve been with (there were only 4. Thanks!) Make it passionate, look me in the eyes, and don’t forget that special move I like 😜

I’m a simple girl. I like attention, flowers, and cuddling. And I will make you a happy man. But don’t forget to do these things after being married for 5-10 years. I still want flowers. I still want attention. And I’ll still want you. So let’s keep it fresh love. But- don’t forget to help me with the kids, cook for me sometimes, run my bath water, kiss my forehead, and stare at me because I’m beautiful. I am definitely going to be hype about you, I just ask for the same in return.

Whoever my husband is, I’m waiting on you. And if you’re already in my life, you’re taking too long babe. I’m not getting any younger. Thanks 😆

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS.

-tootles!

xoxo

Dealing With A Breakup While Being A Mom

As you all know, I have 2 amazingly wonderful children. And I am not with their father. Although I act tough, it was difficult walking away from him. I was hurt, angry, and flat broke with 2 kids. I couldn’t let them know mommy was going through so much internally. But how do you keep a smile on your face in front of your kids when inside you’re on the verge of having a mental breakdown?

I’ll be completely transparent- some days I just could not hold my emotions together and my kids got the short end of that stick. They went to bed early, they had cereal for dinner, and I just let them run around while I hid somewhere and let the tears roll. Most days I was able to keep the emotions down and put on a smile for them. But everyday they put a smile on my face and helped me through.

I worked full time; I was able to keep my mind from wandering about my shitty love life by applying for grants, forming partnerships, and helping others. I avoided my feelings by dealing with everyone else’s. For the most part it worked, and I was able to fake happiness until I hit the sheets to go to bed. On a lot of days I had to cry in the shower to mask my tears. The kids always ran to me and hugged me when they sensed my despair. It’s like they KNEW I was having a tough time.

The main thing that helped me through? Actually allowing myself to feel the pain and hurt and let it go. It took a few weeks, tons of prayer, a bunch of tiny-people-hugs, and at least 15 hours of crying, but I got over it. With each tear, each walk down memory lane, each way I found that I should’ve could’ve would’ve made it work, I got over it little by little. One day I woke up and I didn’t have the urge to cry. I wasn’t hurt anymore. And I was actually happy. Happy that I left that toxic relationship. Happy that I was able to start over. I was happy. Finally.

It is, by far, the hardest thing to do: deal with emotional trauma while being a mom. My kids sensed my worst days, and hugged me until they were better. I cried every time I thought. Every time I saw a picture of us, or a purse that he bought me; or when we had to do pick ups and drop offs. As women, we tend to blame ourselves for break ups; even if it had nothing to do with us. We internalize that guilt and it causes us to hold on to that pain longer than we need to. Especially if the person we are leaving is the father to our children. Yet, we need to FEEL the trauma. FEEL the pain. And I promise you that it’ll help you get through the breakup faster.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo