Gotta Have Faith and Friends

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I have been going through a wicked time with the father of my children. Yes, he’s still stalking and harassing me. But now, I am not bothered by it. This is thanks to some awesome friends.

When this whole situation started, it got to the point that I was afraid to leave my house. I didn’t know what to do or how to counter the stress that these situations were giving me. Then, an unexpected friend came out of the blue and gave me some advice. Then, another came, and another, and another. I went from feeling like I was dealing with this issue alone to having several people giving me advice and encouraging words to help me through. This was already a tough atmosphere for me to live in, so these people had to be sent from God.

I am a very Christ-centered person, even though I don’t go to church. But, I don’t like talking to “Christians” because instead of talking to you and giving you advice they always say “I’ll pray for you”. That’s not very helpful. These friends that started coming out of the woodwork spoke to my Christ-centeredness in a way that I could relate to. Giving me advice, telling me their stories, and casually throwing God and bible scriptures into the mix. I sat back one night and said: “if this isn’t God speaking to me then IDK what is”. I went from feeling like the world was against me to feeling like I was ready to tackle the world. All with a few encouraging words and bible scriptures casually being thrown into a conversation. God knew how to get to me.

I struggle with trust- trusting God, trusting my significant other, trusting my kids, trusting myself. Trusting anyone really. If I don’t know what the outcome of a situation will be, I will more than likely try to maneuver it until I think I’m getting the outcome that I want. This current situation is no different. I cannot predict what the outcome will be, so me sitting back with my feet kicked up and allowing God to work his magic was not a top priority for me. I wanted to know who, what, where, when, how, why, and with how much force was it going to be done. Lol. I can imagine God sitting in heaven (or maybe even right next to me) and laughing until tears came to His eyes. It wasn’t until after all of these conversations with these multiple people that I saw His hand in my situation AND an outcome. That was the biggest thing for me- seeing how this was going to play out. Once I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that God got this and me, I was stress-free. My shoulders weren’t tight, I had no anxiety, I could sleep at night, my appetite came back. I started to laugh again.

What I am going through isn’t easy- a mentally and emotionally weak person would have easily given up and given in by now. But I am not weak- emotionally, mentally, or physically (let’s not test that theory out though- I haven’t been to the gym in months and I doubt I can even complete 1 full push up. Lol!). I just needed to hear God’s voice to know that I was going to be good. And honey, I am going to be great!

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary Queens!

-tootles!

xoxo

My Pussy Must Be Magic

The last 2 months of my life have made me re-examine people, past mates, and decisions that I’ve made in my 20’s. Mostly the people that I’ve chosen to give my time and effort to. The way I’m getting stalked and harassed, I’ve determined that my pussy must have magical powers in them.

My ex is stalking me. And I’m talking random cars on my block, calling and hanging up the phone, leaving defaming flyers in my neighborhood and at my kids schools stalking. I haven’t seen or spoke to him in a month. He must miss this pussy. Because what logical answer can he give as to why he’s persistently harassing me? And if I’m using my hindsight memory, he told me he’d kill me if I tried to leave him and take the kids with me. The moment he realized that I really left him, shit hit the fan. Never this bad, but honey- he snapped. I’ve had men tell me within the last 3 years that he wanted me back but I dismissed all of that until last night. He must want me back. He must want to dip into my honey pot just one more time. He must want to steal from my high vibrations just one last time. He must want to be in the presence of greatness for one more second, because any other explanation of this craziness just doesn’t make sense. When I’m friendly to him and make a serious effort to just give him what he wants just to have peace in my life, he’s all on me. Wanting me back, his marriage is in shambles, she doesn’t understand him the way that I do. Until he realized I was serious about the person I was dating and (you guessed it) shit hit the fan.

I overlooked this fact for far too long, but this morning the lightbulb went off in my head. My pussy is magic. I’ve had other men be gaga over me but never this hard, never this strong, never for this long (ok that part is a lie because my ex fiancé still sends me love letters to this day). I have no idea what sex feels like for a man but my sex must be directly sent from god and wrapped in a unicorn package with sprinkles of gold dust because the way this man won’t let me go is ridiculous. I actually went into the bathroom this morning with a mirror, sat on the toilet, and opened my legs to examine what was between it just to try to get a better understanding of the situation. I might have to schedule an appt with my gyno; I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary.

As I was in tears last night, a friend told me that I was “dope”. It caught me off guard. The first thought that I had was “I don’t feel dope right now”. I went home, fell asleep, and my son woke me up at 5:38am this morning (I’m just about ready to give him up for adoption- it’s a Saturday morning! Why is he awake so early!!!!), and I said I AM FUCKING DOPE!!!!!!! I spent 9 months in jail, came home, and hit the ground running! Started a SUCCESSFUL business, helped my mom continue to build hers, started an after school program, moved into and furnished a whole house after coming from absolutely NOTHING!, and have been making major connections. I even started a blog that unbeknownst to me a lot of people read and relate to. I’m a dope as mom, I give all of myself to anyone I love, and I refuse to be knocked down! I am dope. As fuck actually. And I am grateful to my friend for reminding me of it. So, I’m fucking amazing with magical pussy. And I’m damn proud of it.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

Being The Bad Guy

There are many parents who keep their child(ren) from seeing the other parent as a form of punishment, to hurt and spite the other person for leaving them and being with someone else. For the 10% of parents that don’t allow the child(ren) to see the other parent because of the damage that it causes to the kid(s) and yourself, I sympathize and understand EXACTLY what you are going through….

For the last 4 years, I’ve been in an ongoing battle with my children’s father. I know what it’s like to grow up without your father in your life and having that positive father-child relationship, so I always ensured myself that no matter what happened I would encourage his relationship with them. Lately, I’m having to rethink that. For several different reason, but the main one being the dysfunction that seems to follow their father in every relationship that he’s in. Never mind the fact that he doesn’t give the kids a bath when they’re with him, he doesn’t do homework or encourage reading and writing, he doesn’t properly feed them, they come home sick and with ringworms, he hasn’t taken my son to get a haircut in almost 4 months (shout out to my current partner for picking up where their father falls short), he doesn’t pay for school tuition or trips, and whenever he gets mad at me he pulls them from their school and enrolls them into another one of his choosing. No, those weren’t the reasons why I’m forced to make such a decision, although there were valid reasons in and of themselves.

I am making the decision to be the bad guy because his home life is full of arguments, discord, and manipulation. He led me to believe that those things only happened in OUR relationship because I was the issue. Yet my children come home with behaviors that I, at first, had been brushing off as them being children. Until my oldest child’s teacher sent a note home stating that her behaviors at school have gotten worse as well. I phoned the teacher and spoke with her; she informed me that she could tell when my daughter is coming from her fathers house because her “behaviors are progressively getting worse”. She pulled my daughter to the side and asked her if everything was ok and my daughter told her that she was sad because “mommy and daddy keep fighting”. At first I became defensive because I am diligent about not fighting in front of them. Then, I remembered that they call his wife mom and a lightbulb went off in my head. My son has said at random times that “mommy _______ is sad because daddy keeps yelling and making her feel bad”. My daughter has told me that she’s sad because “mommy ______ left the house and went to her mommy’s house because daddy made her upset”. In just this past year, my children have told me that their step-mother has left the house on 4 separate occasions. Imagine the trauma it’s causing these children to have someone consistently walking out and coming back into their lives.

I had a talk with my daughter. I asked her if she was happy or sad when she’s at her dads house. She’s happy she’s with her dad, but sad that they always argue. She even told me 2 stories of arguments that happened; I’m assuming they stuck with her because they affected her.

My dilemma now is do I keep my kids with me where they’re safe from arguments, people walking away, and dysfunction and go through the drama of fighting with their father about it (even though I have full legal and primary custody of the kids so I have every right to make that decision), or do I allow them to continue to spend time with their father knowing the damage and psychological trauma that it’s causing. At this point, which evil is the most detrimental? I’ve had people say “why don’t you just try talking to him?” Well, you don’t know my children’s father. This decision that is difficult for me to make, he’s made with absolutely no effort in the past, on more than one occasion. The last time he kept the kids from me was for 2.5 months while we awaited our custody court date because “he was afraid I was taking the kids from him”. Did I mention that according to our order no party can move outside of the county that we live in without prior notification and approval of the courts and the other party? Yet he’s moved out of our county and has been telling our daughter that he’s transferring her into a new school in that new county that mom has no knowledge of. What does that sound like to you?

The logical part of me (my brain) says that this is an easy decision to make. The emotional part of me (my heart) is worried about how this too could affect the kids. I essentially have to choose between the lesser of two evils. I’ve been fighting with him for the last 4 years, so that’s not new to me. My children shouldn’t have to be in the middle of ANY fights, especially if it’s affecting them. I left him for that reason. Can you guess which way i was swayed?

Being a single parent is TOUGH! I made the choice to be a single parent when I walked away from my marriage with their father. I did it to give my children a better life- one with peace, stability, safety, and love. I’ve accomplished that. And I won’t let anyone (including their father) take that away from them. Being the bad guy in this situation is making me their hero. I pray that he can get his situation together so that he can spend time with his kids. They need him. But for now, they need peace even more.

Make wise decisions, especially with the person you think you want to have children with.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

Cafe Soho Review

Hey all! Happy Saturday!

I love food. Cooking food, going out to eat, pastries, etc. I always said I wanted to be a good blogger or a good critique and I never applied any effort, UNTIL NOW! I eat out a lot, so I figure I’d start writing reviews and if anyone is in the area of the place that I reviewed you can try them out.

I am in Philadelphia- there are a bunch of different places here that have amazing foods, so please read all my food blogs and check some of them out. This particular spot is called “Cafe Soho”. They are located at 468 W. Cheltenham Ave in Philadelphia. They are known for their spicy wings!

I love spicy food! So when I was introduced to this place, I was excited to try their wings. Their menu is pretty dope; when I went I ordered the shrimp fried rice with the spicy wings and my friend ordered their Thai Chili wings. The rice came out first, then the wings. I’m carribean, so I LOVE rice. Theirs was good- it had an egg in it, cheese, shrimp, and veggies and it was seasoned well. Then the wings came out.

If you can not tolerate HOT foods, DO NOT ORDER THESE WINGS! They are spicy! But they have this amazing flavor despite the heat (have you ever had food so spicy that you couldn’t taste any flavor? They have found a way to solve that problem!) Their small order comes with 10 wings and their large comes in 20. These wings are amazing. I order them all the time now! I also tried the Thai Chili- they were great as well! They had a sweet flavor to it, and an underlying slight kick that sort of caught you off guard. Definitely one to keep on the books as a great lunch.

If I were to rate this place, they would get a 7.5 out of 10, only because everything is a la carte and I’m greedy so I want everything together. Taste wise? They definitely would get an 8 out of 10. I go there all the time- I actually just had their wings a few days ago.

Check them out if you’re in Philly. I’ve referred several people there and they were happy with the referral. If you go, let me know what you think!

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles

xoxo

5 Dating Tips For My Future Husband

Fellas. When you meet your significant other for the first time, you go out of your way to let them know that you’re interested. You take your lady out on dates, bring her flowers, tell her she’s beautiful, etc. Those things shouldn’t stop once you get into a relationship or get married. Husband, if you’re reading this, you better not stop these things or you’re sleeping on the couch. This is MY blueprint to dating me after marriage…

1- bring me flowers. I can easily pick them up when I go grocery shopping, but it means so much more when they come from you. To know that you thought of me enough to go out of your way to bring me something that I like will help keep the spark alive

2- smack my ass, hug me from behind, and kiss my neck randomly. Let me know that I am still attractive to you, even when I’m in the house with my hair tied up wearing boxers and an oversized t-shirt. The more I know you still think I’m sexy, the more effort I’ll put into looking good for you

3- call me just to talk! I love to talk, I always have something to say. Calling me just to hear my voice and asking me how my day was will help keep our bond stronger. And it will definitely make me feel important to you

4- take me out, show me off! Let’s get dressed up and go to a party or a lounge. I look good so we will always be a handsome couple. Lol. Let’s get out of the house, not be cooped up, and enjoy the night air and each other

5- f*%! me like I’m a stranger 😏😌. Do the same moves you did when you wanted me to forget all the other people that I’ve been with (there were only 4. Thanks!) Make it passionate, look me in the eyes, and don’t forget that special move I like 😜

I’m a simple girl. I like attention, flowers, and cuddling. And I will make you a happy man. But don’t forget to do these things after being married for 5-10 years. I still want flowers. I still want attention. And I’ll still want you. So let’s keep it fresh love. But- don’t forget to help me with the kids, cook for me sometimes, run my bath water, kiss my forehead, and stare at me because I’m beautiful. I am definitely going to be hype about you, I just ask for the same in return.

Whoever my husband is, I’m waiting on you. And if you’re already in my life, you’re taking too long babe. I’m not getting any younger. Thanks 😆

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS.

-tootles!

xoxo

Dealing With A Breakup While Being A Mom

As you all know, I have 2 amazingly wonderful children. And I am not with their father. Although I act tough, it was difficult walking away from him. I was hurt, angry, and flat broke with 2 kids. I couldn’t let them know mommy was going through so much internally. But how do you keep a smile on your face in front of your kids when inside you’re on the verge of having a mental breakdown?

I’ll be completely transparent- some days I just could not hold my emotions together and my kids got the short end of that stick. They went to bed early, they had cereal for dinner, and I just let them run around while I hid somewhere and let the tears roll. Most days I was able to keep the emotions down and put on a smile for them. But everyday they put a smile on my face and helped me through.

I worked full time; I was able to keep my mind from wandering about my shitty love life by applying for grants, forming partnerships, and helping others. I avoided my feelings by dealing with everyone else’s. For the most part it worked, and I was able to fake happiness until I hit the sheets to go to bed. On a lot of days I had to cry in the shower to mask my tears. The kids always ran to me and hugged me when they sensed my despair. It’s like they KNEW I was having a tough time.

The main thing that helped me through? Actually allowing myself to feel the pain and hurt and let it go. It took a few weeks, tons of prayer, a bunch of tiny-people-hugs, and at least 15 hours of crying, but I got over it. With each tear, each walk down memory lane, each way I found that I should’ve could’ve would’ve made it work, I got over it little by little. One day I woke up and I didn’t have the urge to cry. I wasn’t hurt anymore. And I was actually happy. Happy that I left that toxic relationship. Happy that I was able to start over. I was happy. Finally.

It is, by far, the hardest thing to do: deal with emotional trauma while being a mom. My kids sensed my worst days, and hugged me until they were better. I cried every time I thought. Every time I saw a picture of us, or a purse that he bought me; or when we had to do pick ups and drop offs. As women, we tend to blame ourselves for break ups; even if it had nothing to do with us. We internalize that guilt and it causes us to hold on to that pain longer than we need to. Especially if the person we are leaving is the father to our children. Yet, we need to FEEL the trauma. FEEL the pain. And I promise you that it’ll help you get through the breakup faster.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

I’m Not Just A Number!

If you’ve read any of my blogs, by now you know that I spend 9 months of my life away from my friends, my family, my children, and my sanity. Today is a rainy day so I decided to catch up on my tv shows until I got bored then I would do some work. On one of the tv shows, a father told his son “when you went to jail they replaced your name with a number and stripped you of your identify and your value”. That hit me waaaayyyy too close to home.

When I was admitted into Riverside Correctional Facility (also known as RCF) I was fingerprinted, asked about my health history, and given a tag. That tag had a series of numbers on it- 1155295. The moment that tag was placed on me, my identity was stripped away. Guards knew me by my last name and my number. Whenever I left my unit, my number was checked. When my mail was delivered, it was identified with my number. Losing your sense of self in that way can really mentally f*%! you up.

It was one thing to be ripped away from my life, but to rip away my identity was humiliating. Degrading. Demeaning. Dehumanizing. Even when I was being released, I was identified by my number. It took a while to regain my identity. I am one out of close to 1,000 women that was housed in that complex. 1 out of countless women who’s identity was stripped away. But today I make a stand- I AM NOT A NUMBER!

I am a mom. Every single day that I open my eyes I am a mother until I take my last breath. I am a daughter. A friend. A business woman. An entrepreneur. A soul mate. A future wife. I am everything BUT a number. And this was something that I had to constantly remind myself for months after I left RCF. And today I want to remind you, who is reading this and has had a similar background as me, that you are not a number. You are a person. A whole person. Beautiful. Smart. Driven. Talented. Brave. Fearless. And NOT who they told you that you were. Don’t let anyone else label you. Ever.

I refuse to be defined by my past mistakes. And I refuse to let my mistakes dictate my future successes. I am not a number, but I plan on having a hell of a lot of numbers in my bank account. Define yourself. Always.

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

A Letter To My Children

To my miracle child, and my guardian angel- mommy loves you. God knew exactly what he was doing when he sent to both of you into my life, and I wanted to let you know that I am extremely proud of you.

My miracle baby. I went through a lot before you came into my life. I had many doctors tell me that I wouldn’t be able to conceive you. I went through 2 rounds of invitro, and was told that my uterus wouldn’t be able to hold you. I had given up on having children, and was considering traveling the world before adopting. Your dad has just proposed to me only a few weeks before you made me sick. That’s how I found out about- I went to the hospital because I couldn’t get out of bed one day. Only to find out that I had you growing inside of me. It was one of the best days of my life. You changed me. Feeling you grow inside of me, watching you on the monitors, listening to your heart beat. It transformed what I believed was love and helped me to finally and fully understand how God loves me. You were His gift to me, and I promised God that I would always take care of you. When they cut me open and pulled you out, your very first cry melted my heart, and when I laid eyes on you I knew that I had finally attained perfection. You were the most beautiful little white baby I had ever seen in my life. Although I did think that people would think that I kidnapped you because you were so pale. Lol. I couldn’t believe that I- Kishna- had created and carried you. To this day I am amazed with you- how smart you are, how funny, how caring, how charismatic. You will always be my miracle baby.

My angel. Boy oh boy was mommy going through a tough time when you were conceived. Mommy and daddy were always fighting and I had made some really bad mistakes when I found out that I was pregnant with you. Mommy was dealing with mental and emotional issues and caring for another baby wasn’t very high on my list of short term goals. I told your nana that I wasn’t ready for you, and she begged me to keep you and give you to her. That was the best advice I had ever taken from her. When I was at my lowest points, you gave me hope. When I was feeling helpless, you helped me stay grounded (probably because you were so heavy in my stomach that you were weighing me down! Lol!). When I wanted to give up, I knew that I couldn’t because I needed to make sure you were ok. You helped mommy to stay sane in an insane period of my life. You helped me to remember that I had a purpose, a goal, and a reason to live and to fight. When they cut me open and pulled you out, your bright eyes made me see that everything that I went through was for you, to help you get here because you had a purpose. And when they took you from me, I knew I had to fight to be with you again. You are still my foundation. And you will always be.

To my children. Always know that mommy loves you, mommy will always be with you, and mommy will never leave your side. I will be your biggest cheerleader, your constant voice of reasoning, and the connection to God to show you good vs evil. You are my greatest accomplishments, and I hope to always make you as proud as you make me. I love you.

As always, be legendary Kings; be extraordinary Queens!

-tootles!

xoxo

Nowadays Kids

kelly-sikkema-266805-unsplash

Growing up, I was around technology. Internet, cable TV and of course, phones. It was my love for technology that drove me towards doing Computer Science as my major. But, I’m not here to talk about me nor my passions.

When I was a lot younger, I used to go outside and play with my dad and my friends. You know, playing hopscotch, double dutch and all those other fun things. Nowadays, these kids don’t really go outdoors and have fun with their parents much. And sure, when they go to school they get the chance to play. But what about that down time with their parents.

Cultures are different. What’s done in the US, UK or wherever else isn’t necessarily done in Jamaica. Well for the most part at least. I have a niece who is so glued to the TV that she knows when her favourite cartoon episode has been repeated. When she was staying with my parents, that’s all she ever did, watch TV.

Her parents are so busy during the day that they don’t really have time to take her outside to play. So she’s mainly inside, watching the kid version of Disney every day. Of course she goes to school and has made friends. But like I said before, what happens to the downtime with her parents.

My point is, nowadays kids are growing up into this highly technological world. And while there are still stay at home parents, some of these parents are too busy running errands or working from home. I’m sure a lot of parents want their “me time” especially after a long day and a long week.

These kids are relying on technology (like their tablets, the TV, etc.) too much and don’t know how to have real fun. They’re taking their phones to the bathroom, to the dinner table, to bed and the list goes on. So what can we do about it? Do kids know how to be kids?

Now, don’t get me wrong. Kids having their tablets and such is a great way to keep them preoccupied especially when you’re travelling. But let’s be real here; they need a break from it every once in a while.

One thing my sister does is that set her TV to a time for it to shut off. This means, no more TV until the next day and no TV at dinner either. This is a really good practice because it helps to bring them back to reality and be more involved with their family.

For parents, try to incorporate some family time into your me time. Take your kids to the beach, an amusement park, somewhere fun. So while they’re having fun, you’re having fun and relaxing too. I’m sure a lot of parents do it but it doesn’t hurt to say it so that busy parents can try it.

I’m no parent but when I do become one (if I become one), I’m going to try to take my own advice. I don’t want my kids to be glued technology for all their childhood. Childhoods are about creating fun memories that they won’t forget. Memories that they can share with their kids.

What do you think about kids and technology these days?

Are you a parent? What have you done to ensure that your kids aren’t always stuck to technology? Sound off below.

This post was written by the talented Shanese! Don’t forget to check out her blog and follow her on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and Bloglovin’.

How To Raise Healthy Children

I was listening to a clip of an audible this morning, and it was based on how to show your son that you love him, or something along those lines. I have a son, so obviously I was intrigued. As I started listening to the audible though, I kept thinking that these principles applied to all children, and not just boys. I turned it off and started to think- although I am still learning daily how to be a great mom, I’ve managed to raise healthy and happy children. Here’s how I am doing it….

Be encouraging. My kids know that the words “I can’t” are forbidden in my household. Those words are the equivalent of curse words around me. You can do anything you want, as long as you try. I encourage my kids to try new things like foods, ways to learn, making new friends, different tv shows, anything. If you don’t try, you’ll never succeed. So we try everything- either together or independently. But they know that mommy will always be in their ear telling them that they can do it no matter what.

Be fun! We make up dances to all of the songs in all of the movies that they love to watch. We go to the park and play together. We make watt and crafts in the house. We build using their building blocks. I let them cook with me. We have fun together as a family to help strengthen the bond that we already have.

Be consistent. Today, my daughter said “I love you mom”, and I replied “I love you more”. She followed up with “even when I’m not around you still love me”. I constantly tell her that. I constantly tell her that I’ll always be there for her. I constantly tell her that even when she gets on my nerves I love her to life. I keep all of my promises, I don’t lie to my children, and I am always there for them no matter what. My children’s favorite line to repeat back to me is “mommy loves us no matter what!”. And I’ve worked to show them this truth. I’m consistent.

Be firm. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the biggest push-over softee parent known to man. My kids literally run all over me and I spoil them more than I should. But they also know that mommy doesn’t play with certain things. When I give them that look, or say “what did you just say?!”, they know I mean business. When I say NO, I mean no. Explaining to them why I say no about something can be a task sometimes, but my answer sticks and they know it.

Be a family. I was raised eating dinner at the table with my parents every night. My kids and I eat every meal in the house together. Televisions off, phones down, and we talk. We watch movies together. We do activities together. Sometimes we even pick out each other’s outfits. We do homework together- they work, and I’m on the computer. I teach my children to take care of and look out for each other because they’re all they’ve got.

Most of all, be a mom. My children tell me that their favorite thing about me is that I make them their favorite foods and that I’m always there. Never mind how they steal all my money, my sleep, my food, my bed, and sometimes my boyfriend. Lol. I’m their mom, and the combination of all the aforementioned things help them to trust me to be that to and for them. Don’t get me wrong- there are days where I’m wondering how we still have a standing house or how they haven’t killed each other and me yet. But we manage together; we figure it out together. They make me better and stronger, and I’m hopefully making them smarter, wiser, and better than me.

Until next time; have fun with your children, and tell them Ms. Kishna said that they can do anything they want to, they just have to try!

As always, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo 💋