As a woman, a sister, a mom, a friend, a cousin, and a niece, I wish I listened more when my elders were talking to me. I would have saved myself a lot of grief, and a major heartache. For the last 7 years (and currently still), I have been dealing with the most evil and pettiest person that I could ever meet. And he just so happens to be my ex husband and the father of my children. Let me explain…
You know how they say that people will always remember the bad? Well, I can’t get the bad out of my head. When I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter, the first words that blurted out of his mouth were “you finally got what you wanted”. Followed by him coming home and us arguing for the next 2 weeks. I remember me sleeping in the back room because I was tired of arguing. Eventually (about a month later), he came around and became excited about the pregnancy. Until she came out. Then things started going down hill again. I remember having to put plastic over the windows because I didn’t want my daughter to catch a cold (I was a very paranoid first-time-mother); instead of him doing it or helping me, he started criticizing my work. He had his clippers on the nightstand, along with some other things. I moved them off of the nightstand so that I could get on the ledge. That became an argument- why did I move his stuff? His stuff is valuable and I could’ve broken it. Why was I even doing it? I walked out of the room because I got tired of hearing him. Guess what he did- he followed me. Into the bathroom, downstairs to the kitchen, back upstairs; all the while, I was carrying the baby trying to soothe her. I got so fed up that I took those same clippers, stood at the top of the stairs, and threw them down. Yup- I broke it, and told him “since they’re the issue, I eliminated the problem”. I constantly found text messages or emails between him and other women; one message I distinctively remember was of him telling a young lady that he would be taking her to the movies, and she shouldn’t wear any panties because his tongue would get lonely. I was constantly being disrespected.
The defining moment should have been when I moved into the middle room of our then new house (which was a fixer-upper that he was never fixing might I add). I was tired of the arguing and decided that I just did not want to be in the same space as him. I was in the bed playing with my daughter (who was around 3 months) and the bedroom door was closed and locked. He wanted to get inside the room- his excuse was that he wanted to see his daughter. I responded and said when I was done playing with her, he could have her. That wasn’t good enough for him. He started pounding on the door; the pounding turned into him slamming his body against the door until he took it off of the hinges. He looked at me and said “don’t lock any f*&%$! doors in my house”. He didn’t take the baby; he didn’t even look at her. Then, he left. I should have listened to my instincts then, but no- I stayed. I thought that I could love him enough to squeeze the insecurities, the paranoia, the controlling and abusiveness out of him.
I’m sitting here trying to think what was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Was it when I told him that I was pregnant for the 2nd time and he said that he didn’t want another child? Or was it when I found yet another woman’s texts in his phone. Or when I found out that he was on an actual date with another woman. I can’t figure it out, but I know that one day I just woke up and said “I’m done”. And ever since then, I have been going through hell with him. He’s withheld the kids from me more than once. I want to say kidnapped, but there was no custody in place at the time. He took both the kids and said he would not give them to me (nevermind the fact that he said my son wasn’t his, and that he didn’t sign his birth certificate). The last time, he held them away for 2 months because he found out that I applied for custody of the kids. It was only AFTER the judge granted me primary custody and TOLD him that he needed to hand the kids over that he did. Every female that he gets into a relationship with, he has my children calling them “mom”. His ex girlfriend told me that she was “a better mother to MY kids than I was”. At one point, he was telling any and everyone who would listen that I had every STD out. He won’t take the kids to daycare, and he still has the nerve to tell me that I need his permission to go on trips with my own children. Let’s not forget the current situation with him stealing the hard drive from my WORK COMPUTER!!!!! (eye roll emoji). How did I ever think that I was in love with such a person?
Ladies- we love the idea of love. Of having someone love us, flaws and all. BUT! We also need to be able to determine if the love that we are getting is genuine or abusive. Is beneficial to our mental health, or condemning it. If it’s someone who we can be truly happy with, or hoping that happiness comes in the future. We need to be honest with ourselves about the relationship what we are in. If it’s not what we need to be a better person, maybe we shouldn’t be in it. Save your self- your mind, your heart, spirit, you. Because once you give it away, you can’t get it back.
Be legendary Kings; be extraordinary Queens!