I’m Not A Survivor…

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I was in an abusive relationship. The theory is that once you leave that relationship, you’ll start the process of healing and being able to let go- you become a survivor. Well, what happens when you’re still being abused, even after you’ve walked away?

Approximately an hour ago I heard a banging at my door. I initially ignored it because I didn’t anticipate having any guests come over. The banging came again, so I decided to check it out. I asked “who is it” and I heard “the sheriff’s department”. I immediately started to panic- I’m getting locked up again. The first thing that popped into my head was “who’s going to get the kids, they have school in the morning?” But, I was being served with a restraining order. I read the order- I’m accused of having a gun stored at my house and threatening to use it to kill the father of my children, I’m accused of being overheard on the phone saying that I was going to kill him, I’m accused of screaming profanities at him in front of my children, I’m accused of so many things. I’m accused of hiding behind my cop boyfriend and thinking that I’m invincible. The reality is that I’m scared out of my mind.

To think that once I was in love with someone who could do something like this to me. I’ve been harassed, stalked, threatened, called a disgrace of a mother, had my name thrown into the dirt, my reputation soiled, and he keeps attempting to take the kids away from me. I’m still being abused, 4 years after I walked away. I’m not a survivor. I’m alone. I’m scared. And I don’t know what to do next. Every time I turn to someone for help, they tell me there’s nothing they can do about it. The cops won’t step in because “technically he hasn’t committed a crime”; lawyers won’t step in because “it’s just a civil matter that the courts can handle”. Who’s going to protect the kids and I from this man who’s doing everything in his power to destroy me? Who’s going to step in when he decides to cross the line and get rid of me for good?

I don’t know what it’s like to be at peace. I don’t sleep at night. I’m constantly looking out the window to see if there’s a car that’s out of place or if there are any new flyers on the cars and windows. I screen every call, I double lock all doors and windows in my house, I even bought a security system. Most days I stay home if I can because I don’t know what’s waiting for me on the other side of my door. I’m not a survivor, I’m still being abused.

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