The Disconnect in Dating

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I have a ton of male friends who are having relationship issues right now. The funny thing is, all of them are having the exact same issue in their situations and don’t even know it. I also realize that there is a major disconnect between men and women- men don’t listen to us and women don’t know how to express their frustrations to men properly. Either things go downhill from it or someone is going to have to realize that things need to change.

Men and women don’t listen to each other. It’s a fact. And it’s extremely apparent with all of my guy friends. I can think of the most recent situation that I’ve had to coach one of my friends through. The female is telling him exactly how she is, what she wants, and what type of personality she has through her actions, certain things that she says, and by what she’s asking of him. And he is on the complete opposite of the spectrum in what he’s ready to give and receive from her. I told him that he was an idiot and if things ended badly it would be completely his fault. I told him that she would kill him. He laughed. I was serious. We as women tell men EXACTLY what we want and need from you, you just don’t listen. I know I constantly used to tell the cop what I wanted from him until one day I said “I’m not going to keep repeating myself. Either you’re going to do it or someone else will!” Guess what happened? I’m not quite sure why our communication skills are not received by men, but if you want your man to hear you, you need to learn to speak HIS language. Now- hear me out ladies. The same way that you have to speak to your kids on a level that they can understand, you have to do the same for your man. He’s been through many different women who have treated him a certain way. He has learned behaviors from past experiences. You have to teach him how to love you by speaking to him in his language. It’ll be worth it in the end, I promise.

Men and women expect their dating partner to already know how to cater to them. That’s unrealistic. They have been with other people before you. They grew up a certain way in their household. They have different beliefs and ideologies. And THEY DON’T KNOW YOU!!! I really don’t fathom how people expect complete strangers to know how to cater to them. They have to learn your behaviors, learn your flaws and weaknesses, learn your strengths and abilities. They have to spend time with you to learn how to cater to you when you are down and when you are happy. It takes time, patience, and determination. That’s how you lessen the conflicts in the relationship.

Men and women need to learn to teach their dating partner how to be with and love them. This is COMPLETELY different from learning how to be with you. I teach my friends and children how to deal with me. I teach my man how to love me. There are certain things that he can do and say to me that will completely change my attitude towards something that my friends and family can’t do. There is a way, a tenderness, a vulnerability that I have to coach my mate to handle within me that will help us fall in love with each other. Because FALLING in love is easy, but STAYING in love is hard. And if you don’t teach someone how to constantly make you fall in love with them, it won’t work. You can be great friends, but not great partners.

The only way to fall in love is to be open to it and be willing to learn new habits and behaviors. If you’ve been hurt before in the past, you can’t to come into a new relationship with those bad habits, old hurts, and negative thoughts and expect it to work. In order for a new relationship to work, you have to come in completely open and vulnerable and willing to learn. I’ve been hurt, abused rather, in the past. When I met my partner, I had to fight to leave all of those past issues in the past. I had to be willing to learn how to cater to HIM- his needs, his likes, his wants, his weaknesses, his strengths. Now- I never said that it would be an easy task, but it is one that is worth it in the long run. You can’t hate love and want someone to love you. It doesn’t work that way. Also, love didn’t hurt you. I hear many people say fuck love, love is pointless, I’m better off without it. We can’t be friends. That negative energy has no place around me. Love NEVER did anything to hurt you. Love NEVER played you. Love NEVER cheated on you. Love NEVER left you alone. Because if you understand what love is, you’d know that God is love and God only wants the best for you. THE PERSON YOU DATED HURT YOU!!!! Stop blaming love/God for people’s mistakes and shortcomings. People always ask me how it was so easy to move on after the hurt that I went through. Easy- love didn’t hurt me, my ex did. Knowing that, I had no problem allowing love to wiggle and 2-step it’s way back into my life and heart.

I love love. I coach many of my friends through their relationships because I want everyone to be in happy, HEALTHY, and successful relationships. But we have to be willing to put in the work to make it happen, then to maintain it. Trust me, love is definitely worth it.

Until next time, be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!

-tootles!

xoxo

Gotta Have Faith and Friends

If you’ve been following my blogs, you know that I have been going through a wicked time with the father of my children. Yes, he’s still stalking and harassing me. But now, I am not bothered by it. This is thanks to some awesome friends.

When this whole situation started, it got to the point that I was afraid to leave my house. I didn’t know what to do or how to counter the stress that these situations were giving me. Then, an unexpected friend came out of the blue and gave me some advice. Then, another came, and another, and another. I went from feeling like I was dealing with this issue alone to having several people giving me advice and encouraging words to help me through. This was already a tough atmosphere for me to live in, so these people had to be sent from God.

I am a very Christ-centered person, even though I don’t go to church. But, I don’t like talking to “Christians” because instead of talking to you and giving you advice they always say “I’ll pray for you”. That’s not very helpful. These friends that started coming out of the woodwork spoke to my Christ-centeredness in a way that I could relate to. Giving me advice, telling me their stories, and casually throwing God and bible scriptures into the mix. I sat back one night and said: “if this isn’t God speaking to me then IDK what is”. I went from feeling like the world was against me to feeling like I was ready to tackle the world. All with a few encouraging words and bible scriptures casually being thrown into a conversation. God knew how to get to me.

I struggle with trust- trusting God, trusting my significant other, trusting my kids, trusting myself. Trusting anyone really. If I don’t know what the outcome of a situation will be, I will more than likely try to maneuver it until I think I’m getting the outcome that I want. This current situation is no different. I cannot predict what the outcome will be, so me sitting back with my feet kicked up and allowing God to work his magic was not a top priority for me. I wanted to know who, what, where, when, how, why, and with how much force was it going to be done. Lol. I can imagine God sitting in heaven (or maybe even right next to me) and laughing until tears came to His eyes. It wasn’t until after all of these conversations with these multiple people that I saw His hand in my situation AND an outcome. That was the biggest thing for me- seeing how this was going to play out. Once I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that God got this and me, I was stress-free. My shoulders weren’t tight, I had no anxiety, I could sleep at night, my appetite came back. I started to laugh again.

What I am going through isn’t easy- a mentally and emotionally weak person would have easily given up and given in by now. But I am not weak- emotionally, mentally, or physically (let’s not test that theory out though- I haven’t been to the gym in months and I doubt I can even complete 1 full push up. Lol!). I just needed to hear God’s voice to know that I was going to be good. And honey, I am going to be great!

Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary Queens!

-tootles!

xoxo