As you all know, I have 2 amazingly wonderful children. And I am not with their father. Although I act tough, it was difficult walking away from him. I was hurt, angry, and flat broke with 2 kids. I couldn’t let them know mommy was going through so much internally. But how do you keep a smile on your face in front of your kids when inside you’re on the verge of having a mental breakdown?
I’ll be completely transparent- some days I just could not hold my emotions together and my kids got the short end of that stick. They went to bed early, they had cereal for dinner, and I just let them run around while I hid somewhere and let the tears roll. Most days I was able to keep the emotions down and put on a smile for them. But everyday they put a smile on my face and helped me through.
I worked full time; I was able to keep my mind from wandering about my shitty love life by applying for grants, forming partnerships, and helping others. I avoided my feelings by dealing with everyone else’s. For the most part it worked, and I was able to fake happiness until I hit the sheets to go to bed. On a lot of days I had to cry in the shower to mask my tears. The kids always ran to me and hugged me when they sensed my despair. It’s like they KNEW I was having a tough time.
The main thing that helped me through? Actually allowing myself to feel the pain and hurt and let it go. It took a few weeks, tons of prayer, a bunch of tiny-people-hugs, and at least 15 hours of crying, but I got over it. With each tear, each walk down memory lane, each way I found that I should’ve could’ve would’ve made it work, I got over it little by little. One day I woke up and I didn’t have the urge to cry. I wasn’t hurt anymore. And I was actually happy. Happy that I left that toxic relationship. Happy that I was able to start over. I was happy. Finally.
It is, by far, the hardest thing to do: deal with emotional trauma while being a mom. My kids sensed my worst days, and hugged me until they were better. I cried every time I thought. Every time I saw a picture of us, or a purse that he bought me; or when we had to do pick ups and drop offs. As women, we tend to blame ourselves for break ups; even if it had nothing to do with us. We internalize that guilt and it causes us to hold on to that pain longer than we need to. Especially if the person we are leaving is the father to our children. Yet, we need to FEEL the trauma. FEEL the pain. And I promise you that it’ll help you get through the breakup faster.
Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!