*Before you read this post, please understand that nothing in this post is condoning domestic violence in any way, shape, or form. This post was written through the viewpoint of a healthy relationship. Also, it may be a little wordy. Thanks for reading!*
I based my life on this for such a long time. It wasn’t until I met with and dated Mr. Officer that I realized that this was nowhere near the truth! We are conditioned to think that if someone doesn’t give us or do for us what we want, then they don’t care about us. My children’s father beat that notion into my head- because he bought me cars and placed a roof over my head, and worked and gave me money that he loved and cared about me. Nevermind the fact that he was ripping away my self-worth, my dignity, and my sanity. He bought me stuff and made it seem like he was taking care of me so I should be happy. After I left that relationship, I was so conditioned and brainwashed to believe that if you don’t give me and show me what I want that you don’t care about me, and it almost ruined my next relationship. I didn’t even realize it.
When I met Mr. Officer, he worked 12-16 hours a day. Despite that, he always found a way to make time to spend with my kids and I. His schedule picked up more, and his free time lessened. So now only I was able to get him, but that was extremely limited. In my mind, because I couldn’t see him and spend time with him he didn’t love and care about me. I was used to equating one with the other. Nevermind the fact that he would go above and beyond for me and the kids, would sneak away from work just to see me (even if for only 5 minutes), encouraged and motivated me in all of my endeavors. I was focused on one thing and one thing only- the time (or the lack thereof) that he spent with me at the location I wanted. If that didn’t happen I was pissed! (I’m sure if he were right next to me he would type in that I was crazy). The arguments increased, I broke up with him every month or so, and he would just maintain that he loved me and he wasn’t going anywhere.
One day, after one of my rants and I broke up with him again (for the then 3,976th time), I laid in the bed and had a mild panick attack. I asked myself “what he hell are you doing?” Because I didn’t want to break up with him, I didn’t want to be apart from him, I didn’t want to fight with him. I just wanted him to spend more time with me. Like an oblivious man, instead of calling me or coming to the house and talking some sense into me, he let me cool off. (Guys- please take this advice: DO NOT GIVE US SPACE!!!!! WE DO NOT WANT SPACE! We want you in our face asking us to forgive you, stealing kisses on our foreheads, wrapping your arms around us and not letting go until we aren’t mad anymore. And probably food and sex. Take this advise. It will help you!) I was left in my bed in my feelings, in my thoughts. The worst place for me to be because I over think and over analyze everything! I finally couldn’t take it anymore and reached out to someone to talk to. And they kindly told me that I was an idiot. That the man I had checked off every box that I had on my list of wants and needs in a man, and that although he doesn’t have a lot of time, the time he does have he gives to me. That I needed to stop being so selfish and started to acknowledge and appreciate the selfless acts that he constantly did for me. You know what I did? Defended my position. Because I was right and they were wrong. I went and spoke to someone else, and they told me the same thing. I went and spoke to one more person and they told me I needed to leave him and be single. So, I had 2 against 1 in his favor. Now I needed to figure it out.
I went to church and told God “I am so confused! My spirit aches when I say I don’t want anything to do with him anymore, but he’s not doing what I want!” The pastor had a message that day on control and intimidation and allowing things that happened to and around you. But the way the message was worded, all I heard was “stop being so selfish and let that man love you!”. I couldn’t help but laugh. I was so conditioned to believe that the way he treated me- not having/making time to spend with me- meant that he didn’t love or care about me and that’s what I focused on. Being this new enlightened person, I had to do a self assessment, and I realized that I was wrong in how I was handling the situation. I had to apologize. I texted him and told him I missed him, and that I was sorry for everything. He said “it’s ok Cheri”. Just that simple. No argument, no “I told you so”, nothing. He said he loved me and resumed back to being my love like I wasn’t having an emotional breakdown for the last few days. (I swear- now that I think of it, he doesn’t pay me any mind when I go on my rants! Lol! He literally will just say “ok Cheri” and go back to minding his business! Lol!).
We need to be mindful of what we are conditioned to believe are acts of love. Just because we are used to someone doing or treating us a certain way doesn’t mean that it is the ONLY way for someone to show us that they love us. Mr. Officer made a promise to sell his home so that we could purchase one together. That’s a huge commitment that I was overlooking because he didn’t have the time to give me when I wanted it. Stop believing in what you’re used to, and start believing in what is. You’ll get a whole new perspective on life and love.
Until next time.
Be legendary Kings; be extraordinary Queens!