Every time I go over to my best friend’s house, she’s watching some sappy love show or movie. And I normally hate them because they’re unrealistic and don’t show what actual love and relationships look like. Until she put on “Love Is”. We started from the first episode, and I was hooked. To see a real, actual, screwed up relationship fight to make it work. It reminded me of myself and Mr. Officer. A little too much! This is what love is ….
Love is hard. AF! They say it isn’t supposed to be, but my experience has shown that it is. You are taking two completely different people and asking them to merge their lives, beliefs, backgrounds, religions, work ethics, parenting methods- EVERYTHING!!!- and figure out how to make it work together. Without a blueprint or a guide to show us the right way. But love is also beautiful, amazing, uplifting, freeing, passionate, and worth all of the headache. One thing that it took me too long to realize is when you decide to love someone and incorporate them into your life, that lane that you paved for yourself- it’s broken now. We like to control people and situations (at least, I do) and make them conform to what WE think is the best. And our mate is more than likely trying to do the same thing. When we make the conscious decision to love someone and merge their life with ours, we also need to merge our lane with theirs. Or create a whole new lane altogether. We cannot force people to love us how we want them to love us, or walk down the path that we create for them. Love is creating that path together the best way that you know how.
Love is scary. You are literally telling someone who you do not know “I am trusting you with my heart. Please don’t break it”. You are giving your life to someone in the hopes that they can bring fulfilment and peace into it. And it can work out bad, or it can be amazing. You can gain weight in all the right places, have your skin glowing, bring your anxiety down and give you more peace, have someone to help with your finances, have someone encouraging and motivating you. You can find your best friend in love. Love brings out the best in you.
Love is frustrating! Remember- there is no blueprint. But when your love doesn’t put down the toilet seat after he pee’s, or doesn’t take the trash out before he leaves for work on trash day, or didn’t prepare dinner for the kids even though he was home a lot earlier than you, when your love decides that them receiving an award of honor and merit wasn’t a big deal to tell you about because you were out-of-town, how do you still love? In my experience- FORGIVENESS. Love is saying “you made a mistake. It pissed me off. I want to punch you in the face, but instead I’ll kiss you and tell you why it bothered me and hopefully we can fix it so it doesn’t happen again in the future”. Every. Single. Time. EVERY! SINGLE! TIME! Remember I said it was frustrating? But when those quirks turn into coming home to a cooked meal for you and the kids, or the trash being taken out the night before trash morning, or those phone calls come in about awards and honors, dealing with those frustrating moments becomes worth it. I guess I should’ve thrown patient in there as well, huh? Love is patient, because no matter how many times you make a mistake love is right there to help you fix it. Love gives you advice and pointers on how to make it better. Love stays up with you the whole night to help you finish your paper for school or that huge project that you need for work. Love will never leave you or forsake you.
Love is stupid. Have you ever been the friend that always keeps hearing “why are you still with him? He doesn’t love you!” Or “you should’ve left him a long time ago”. Or “you deserve so much better!” The problem with confiding in your friends and family when things are bad is that they don’t know or see when things are good. For example? (He’s probably going to kill me for this! Lol!). Mr. Officer works. Which is normal, right? Wrong. He works 20 hours a day. And on the weekends he works 12-16 hours a day. Which means that we do not spend a lot of time together, and he’s cancelled more than a couple of dates and trips because of his schedule. Had you asked me 3-4 years ago, I would’ve told you that I would not be able to deal with a person who worked that much. But, here I am 2 years later, still dealing with the frustration of his schedule. Because when he does make the time, he is amazing with my children. My son wakes up everyday asking to speak to him and my daughter asked me yesterday when he and I were going to get married because she wanted him to be her step-dad. When he makes time, we laugh all day long. We talk, we share stories, we encourage and motivate each other. When he makes time, we go on dates. When he makes time, he comforts me when I am ready to pull my hair out or make a stupid decision that will affect my children. When he makes time he takes my son to the barbershop and pays for my car to get repaired. When he makes time, he is my best friend. It’s easy to say that I should leave because he doesn’t make the time for me, but he is love to me and my children. Let me repeat that- HE IS LOVE FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN! So love is stupid- it makes you go against yourself and your beliefs when the person shows you their love. It makes you trust when society tells you to doubt. It makes you hope when others tell you it’ll fail. Love doesn’t listen to society or others, love makes its own way. Love is consistent, even in the inconsistencies.
Love IS! Love is a being, an entity. Love is an action word- you are love and someone is love to you. Again, it took me way too long to realize that because I didn’t understand that concept until Mr. Officer. I’ve experienced it before in the past, but I wasn’t ready to understand it until now. My relationship with Mr. Officer showed me love through sacrifice, through forgiveness, through patience, through understanding, through trust. Truth be told, I think the only reason that I recognized and spotted what love is NOW is because of my children. I am love to them unconsciously- I exert no effort to be love to them because as a parent it comes naturally. But to be love to an adult requires a conscious effort. Because we both can get up and walk away at any point with no strings attached, so for me to make the choice to stay, I have to acknowledge the reasons and motivations why. I compare the love for an adult to the love to my children constantly- to be able to determine how it can be so easy to do certain things for my children yet I struggle to do them for an adult. Example? I trust my children. I know what they are capable of and what they will and won’t do. I am still building trust in Mr. Officer (which is probably why I put him through the stuff that I did). I can depend on my children. I know that they will always be there no matter what, even when they get older and decide to move out of my house and be on their own. I cannot fully give my dependency to an adult- because you can decide to leave today or tomorrow with no questions asked. But love is saying even though I think you can leave and hurt me, I will make the choice to trust and depend on you anyways. Love is choosing your mate over and over again. Even when you don’t want to. Love is knowing that you could be hurt yet again, but choosing to stick it out and working to make things different and better. Love is a choice, an action. Love is despite of. Love is!
I am no expert on love; obviously, right? I have 3.5 failed relationships under my belt (despite my frustrations, I’ll most likely be figuring out how to work things out with Mr. Officer- eventually). But I realize what Love Is. Because I am a mom, and because my heart is open to seeing it. And I am still learning.
Until next time.
Be legendary KINGS; be extraordinary QUEENS!