Relationship 101

Unfortunately, I have been in enough bad relationships to know what I do not want, what I do not want done to me, and how to make them fail. Horribly. From the point of no return. The last 2 relationships especially have shown me what I need from a mate in order to be a great partner. The issues that we have is that no one taught us how to be effective partners. Communication and trust especially have been a huge cause of the break up of many relationships. So, I’ve compiled a list of things that I believe are important and necessary to maintain a successful relationship. Hope you learn and enjoy!

1) time is extremely important to someone who actually values you –
We can say “if you have a problem with someone who works a lot then you should be single” until we are blue in the face. But the reality is that we need time spent in order to establish and maintain a close connection with the person that we are dating. Yes- working and having your OWN money is extremely important, but that should not take away and stand in the place of spending time with someone. Especially to someone who’s love language is time spent. That will most definitely be the cause of a failed relationship

2) communication- talking daily, texting, FaceTime, etc- makes up for the lack of time-
In the event that the person that you are dating has a hectic work schedule, talking in any form becomes the way that time is spent. And it doesn’t have to be hours on the phone. A 5 minute phone call twice a day goes an extremely long way. I mean, I want to talk to my mate until I go to sleep so 5 minutes wouldn’t be nearly enough for me, but you get the point. Communication in any form can temporarily replace time being spent with someone, or it can equate to time being spent (depending on how someone chooses to look at it). Just know, it’s just as important and necessary.

3) women love when men plan and execute dates –
It’s part of the chase. Having my partner tell me “babe, get dressed tonight I am picking you up at 8” just does something to me. To know that you took the time and effort to make reservations, pick out an outfit, surprise me with an impromptu date, picked me up…. You just made me feel like the most important person in your world. And it doesn’t matter how often you do it- we get those butterflies every time. Now, keep in mind- a date doesn’t always have to involve going out and spending money. My last partner and I used to have home dates. When the kids went to sleep, we would chill on the couch and watch movies. I would lay on his chest and listen to his heart beat and we would laugh and talk about the movie. That, to me, was better than going to some restaurant.

4) women love going AWAY with their men –
We like going on trips, to different cities and states, and enjoying a different atmosphere with the person that we love. This number is pretty self-explanatory- take us on trips! We might do something to blow your mind. *wink, wink*

5) verbally encouraging and supporting your mate makes a huge difference –
When we fall in love with someone, the words that they speak tend to hold more value and weight than everyone else. So, speaking life into your partner is extremely important. Encouraging them, pushing them, and congratulating them will do more for their self-esteem than they will admit to. We love to see our hard work and efforts being recognized, especially when we feel that we are unappreciated and our hard efforts go unseen. Our mates are our coaches- speaking life into each other can help build and strengthen your relationship.

6) small acts of love- flowers, cards, teddy bears, candles, etc- makes us feel loved and gives us something to remember you by –
Think about it- if you walk past your bedroom and see a teddy bear that your partner gave you, it puts a smile on your face. When you get into your car and you see a medallion dangling from your rearview mirror that your babe gave you, you smile. When you see the flowers on the table, you get butterflies. Small gestures and acts of kindness give us mushy partners something to remember you by. Even if we see you every day, the fact that you took the time, thought about me, and gave me a memento to remember you by, it helps keep the flame alive.

7) if you say you’re going to do something  DO IT! Ignoring plans eventually starts chipping away at our confidence in where we stand in your life. –
That sounds kind of crazy, doesn’t it? But it’s true. Imagine making plans with someone you care about deeply, getting dressed and smelling good, and you’re sitting on the couch waiting for them to pick you up and they never show up. After a few times of this happening, you’ll start to question if you actually are important to the person, if they truly make you a priority, if they even care about your feelings. You’ll either break up with them, start feeling a way about the direction of the relationship, or find someone else to give you the attention that your partner won’t.

8) show your mate off. Even if it’s just to your boys, your family, or random ppl in the street. A female will say that she doesn’t need that attention, but we do. It solidifies our role to you –
This is pretty self-explanatory. You know how they say diamonds are a girls best friend? It’s because when we wear them, it makes us the center of attention. Well, we get tha same feeling when YOU show us off. Even if you don’t have many friends or aren’t close to your family, show us off to someone. Make friends. Then parade us to them. Be mindful of the fact that I am not telling you to tell people our business! There is a huge difference. You can show someone off and still keep the relationship private. But our egos need to be stroked just as much as yours does.

9)  KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! If your mate is asking for a time-table, you should be able to give them an answer. Saying “I don’t know” means you don’t know if you want me around –
I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to have a conversation with someone who I am expecting to have future plans with and their reply is constantly “I don’t know”. Unless you have confirmation that tomorrow is your last day on earth, you know what you want tomorrow and next week and next month and next year. You’re just unsure about ME because you don’t really want me involved in those plans. That is a major red flag buddy. I have no clue what I am wearing to work tomorrow but I know when I want to get married, if I want more kids or not, and whether YOU will be involved in those plans.

10) never stop dating your mate! No matter how long you’ve been together or how comfortable you guys are, always date them and chase them! Because if you don’t someone else will and their attention will eventually drift –
Need I say more?

11) learn how to communicate even when you’re upset –
I am speaking to myself with this one. When I feel like the issue that I am dealing with will not get resolved, I just won’t say anything about it. Which is not healthy because if the other person doesn’t know that I am unhappy about something, they will continue to do it. If you are angry or upset and cannot say why, you might want to seek some counseling. Effective communication happens when you are happy AND upset; being able to get your point across without lashing out or shutting down is extremely important in a relationship.

The main point that all of this sums up to is this: speak life into your partner and ensure that they are and always remain a priority. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard one person degrade or demean the other and turn around and say “I love you” to that person. Love doesn’t hurt, belittle, berate, or make others feel less than. We are all human and we all make mistakes. I get that. But we do not repeat mistakes. We repeat praises. And encouragement. And affection. And love. We want to be in a committed long-term relationship (at least I do), so we have to figure out how to make it happen. I think this was a pretty goof blueprint, don’t you?

As always, until next time!

Be legendary Kings; be extraordinary Queens!



Is He Too Young?

Being a mother, working with youth, and having a background in education will probably be a gift and a curse for my children. Knowing what I know about everything involving youth and children and the world has made me overprotective and a little paranoid over them. I push education, morals, values, friendships, and safety onto my children. But most importantly, safety!

Growing up, there weren’t this many kidnappings and missing children in my community. If a kid didn’t go home when he/she was supposed to, it was probably because they were with their friends and lost track of time. Within the last 2 years, every week I’ve seen some type of missing person post of a child come across my social media feed. I even had a conversation with a friend of mine about how we let our children play outside. I kindly told them that they were a little too lenient with where they let their kid wander to outside and they became defensive. I don’t even let my kids walk behind me when we are walking anywhere, let alone allowing them to go off and play outside of my eyesight. I guess I’m just a little too protective of my children-all children within my care. Especially because I know the statistics of 1- young children having sex in elementary school and 2- the rates that children are being trafficked for selling sex (themselves) and/or drugs. I do not wish for any child that I know or care for falling into those statistics.

So that leads me to my question- how young is TOO YOUNG to talk to children and start educating them about these things? Being the youth development director at my job, I am certified to teach sexual risk avoidance curriculums (sex ed) to young kids. Because we receive funding for it, we need parental consent outside of the schools to teach the curriculums. I cannot tell you how many parents do not want their kids talking/knowing about ATTRACTION, let alone developing healthy relationships with their peers. Moms. Dads. I get it. You think that talking to your child might open up a door that you aren’t ready for them to walk into. But the flip side is- what if they are already talking about it; or worse-doing it? Need I remind you that I know the statistics? In 2015, 3.9% of students have had sexual intercourse for the first time before age 13 years. The prevalence of having had sexual intercourse before age 13 years was higher among male (5.6%) than female (2.2%) students. Considering the fact that 30 years of public health research clearly demonstrates that when young people receive such education, they are more likely to delay sexual initiation, and to use protection when they do eventually become sexually active, than those who receive no sex education or learn only about abstinence. Withholding information about sex and sexuality will not keep children safe; it will only keep them ignorant. Proven research has backed this theory, yet parents are still leery about educating their children.

I have begun to teach my children to name all body parts with the proper name. We don’t call anything “the cookie”, “your goodies”, “your privates”, or any other name other than what it actually is. They can refer to it as whatever they would like, but when I ask “what are you referring to love?”, they both are able to name the part. Educating them about good touching and bad touching in those areas, and who should be touching there in the first place, etc. I am also transitioning them into being able to take a shower and washing themselves independently so that NO ONE will need to be anywhere near them without clothes on period. Including myself. We used to be able to say that just girls were getting molested, but now boys are being targeted just as much- if not more- than little girls. As they grow older, I will teach them about attraction, urges, protection, and the right way to protect themselves if they decide to have sex. Both of my kids get sexually aroused. If you think that children do not touch and play with themselves, you might need to have a long conversation with your child’s pediatrician. I’ve even had to explain to my daughter that she should do that to herself only when she is alone in her room because it is not appropriate to do in front of people. That was not an easy conversation to have with a 4-year-old.

We as parents need to start being proactive rather than reactive with our children. We work. We aren’t with our children 24/7, not matter how much time you spend with them. Teaching them before someone else does will help your child (and you) avoid many difficult situations in the future. From one parent to another, do not be scared of them knowing- be scared of them learning from someone else.

Be legendary Kings; be extraordinary Queens!