*This post is going to be a spiritual one. If you do not believe in God, skip right along and read my previous posts. Thanks*
As I am nearing the end of my 20’s (like, I’m literally staring at the door), I’m still struggling with the same thing I’ve been struggling with these last 5 years. How to determine if this little tiny voice in my head and this little tiny tug at my heart is indeed GOD, or just me convincing myself that it’s Him. I have come such a looooooong way- from not trusting God to do anything for me, to trusting him to do everything EXCEPT!!!!!!! guide my love life. Hey- at least I’m honest. See, my issue isn’t that I don’t think that God will send someone to me, I am SCARED of the person He’s going to send. What if he doesn’t look like my ideal mate, or what if he doesn’t make the amount of money that I am looking for? What if he’s the complete OPPOSITE of my expectations? That’s just too much pressure to take GOD!
How am I supposed to tell if that little tug at my heart isn’t God telling me not to give up, or me telling myself that it’s God talking to me? Do you see my dilemma here?! I pray daily, read my scriptures, listen to Christian music all day, and sometimes I still can’t tell if it’s him or not. And if any of you are like me, you go through waves in your relationship with Christ. Sometimes my waves are deep and I know exactly when it’s him because that little voice is distinctive. And sometimes I can’t tell if it’s Him or my son whispering in my ear that he’s hungry. Lol. Yea- it gets that bad (emoji face, eyes up). That’s life- I’m either super connected or trying to figure out when the heck did I lose the connection.
Lately, I’ve been going through a lot. To the point that I do not feel like adulting (yup- I’m using that word!), parenting, working, eating, breathing- anything that you can put an “ing” on, I don’t feel like doing. And I cannot figure out why I am in such a rut. I get over one situation, and another one pops up. I deal with one person, and 2 more have a conflict. I get my son potty trained, now he won’t eat properly. He used to be my fat daddy. Now he’s more like a q-tip; really skinny with a big head. Lmao! I just don’t get it.
I can only speak for myself, but whenever I’m going through something spiritually, everything in my life is upside down. The sad part about this is that I didn’t make that correlation until I wrote it into the blog just now. Everyone goes through struggles in life- it’s inevitable. But a series of unfortunate events, back to back to back (I’m talking the last 4 months and counting!) has left me barely afloat in my prayer life, and super BARELY making it in the natural. The last time I felt this broken God was trying to get my attention. This time I recognize that He is, but I can’t hear Him talking to me. I’m a virgo (I’m just gonna assume that this is relevant, please bear with me), and from what I’ve read, we are over-thinkers and over-achievers. This depicts my personality to the T. So, I think that my brain just won’t shut the hell up long enough for me to hear God talking to me. And it’s reeeeeeaaaaaallllllllllllllllllyyyyy hard for me to shut my brain off (it takes me close to 45 minutes just to fall asleep!). So imagine how hard this is for me…
But then God always gives us confirmation- even when we haven’t asked him for it. A random conversation with a friend, a song that plays on the radio, a quiet thought that passes through your mind…. Even if you’re like me and you feel like you’re struggling to hear God talk to you, He reminds you that He’s listening. I know that He hears me, I just want to hear Him. Maybe I’m just expecting to hear Him in a way that He isn’t willing to talk to me in. I have this horrible issue of expecting certain things from people and God, and when I don’t get it that way I have a hissy fit. No, seriously- my boyfriend and my children’s father can attest to this (emoji eyes rolled up). I’m working on it.
Long story short, I want to hear God’s voice. If you’re talking to him today, tell him that I said that He needs to speak a little louder please. Thanks.