Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy falls in love with girl, they have a happily every after, right? I always hated these Cinderella stories because no one ever told you what happens AFTER the happily every after. That’s when all the real magic starts- when boy always leaves his boxers on the kitchen counter and girl has her hair all in the bathroom sink and no one has washed the dishes in a week. When life settles in and you start complaining about how much of an insensitive dirty little man boy is to your friends, this is when the real magic starts to happen…..
How many times have you complained about you significant other to your friends and family? “You won’t BELIEVE what Peter did to me last weekend, ooooohhhhh I hate his ass so much!” Sound familiar? It’s normal for us to vent to the people who are closest to us about the issues going on in our relationship, but do we realize the effect that causes between our friends/family and our partners?
I remember being in a relationship with my ex who treated me horribly. He constantly said mean things to me but they were only said at home, behind closed doors. When I finally started talking to people about what was going on, I looked crazy! Because after I vented and cried to my friends for hours, I would hang up and go right back to my partner. I remember my one friend flat out told me to stop calling her when something happened because I would only end up going back to him so she didn’t want to hear about it. At the time, that cut like a knife and severly tained our relationship. But looking back at it now, I see and understand EXACTLY where she was coming from. We tend to talk about the bad THE MOST in our relaionships. Our partners can cook, clean, care for the kids, fix our cars, be handy around the house, and break our backs during sex- but because he can’t figure out how to put the bedframe together on our new bed set he’s a worthless, useless man. I think it’s human nature to make the bad a big deal, but that usually results in our friends and family only seeing the bad in the person that we are dating. That’ll bite us in the ass eventually.
There have been plenty of good men in relationships who have been thrown under the bus by their partners because of something that happened that was vented about to her friends and family. And once that FIRST situation happens, the rest is downhill. Now, whenever they see him, it’s a side eye, a whisper, an unenthusiastic hello. And all the while things have gone back to normal in your relationship and in your house. You’re in love, and they think you’re stupid. So I came up with a few ideas (or pointers) on how to keep your spouse from looking like the bad guy:
- Keep your arguments private! If something isn’t going right in your relationship, talk to your partner about it. If you must get outside help, call a therapist or someone who has mediation expeirnce. They do not know either of you and will remain impartial and non-judgemental.
- If you have already vented to friends and family about your partner, apologize to them and ask them to forgive your partner also. And explain to them why you forgave your partner, and remind them of all the good that they have done for you up until that point.
- Take a step back from the issue and take a break. When you are angry and in the middle of a situation, you tend to say mean and hurtful things to them and anyone who will listen. If you are unable to remain calm, table it. Go for a run, take a hot bath, do something to ease your mind. Only AFTER you have calmed down should you talk about it.
- Unless you are in an abusive relationship, only tell people about the GOOD! Despite what you may think, people love drama and tend to hold onto the negative things that you tell them. This keeps others from seeing your partner in a bad way, and it will help others root for your partner if things do go bad and they find out about it.
- Make the choice to love your partner despite their flaws! One of the reasons why we complain about our significant others so much is because we choose to focus on the bad instead of the good. My kids are ungrateful and mean little shits. If I focus on that aspect of them, I can complain all day long and start to grow a resentment towards them. But, if I focus on the fact that they are smart, helpful, playful, full of ideas, always ready to play and have fun with me, they motivate me to be a better person, they compliment me for no reason, and they love me- well, it helps to keep me focused on the great aspects of our relationship, and the bad parts don’t seem so big. The same applies with your spouse. Choose to see the good so that the bad doesn’t hod much weight.
As long as you love your partner, you’ll never want others to see them in a negative light. But YOU are the person that has control over that. If you don’t mind looking crazy for always going back to your partner- by all means, talk to everyone about what goes on in your relationship. But if you want peace and positivity shown on your relationship, keep it quiet. Keep it to yourself and work on your issues in house. You’ll be happier in the long run.
As always, be legendary KING; be extraaordinary QUEEN!